I Blogged Myself

Happy Anniversary, Wifey!

2008-07-07T19:15:00.001+10:00

I love Wifey very much.

Today we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. We'd already enjoyed our 'treat' (see here), so we just enjoyed the day together with our charming little man Sweetums ... and a growing mystery baby inside Wifey's gut.

It's amazing to think back to our wedding and realise that it was six years ago!

And yes, for those of you "in the know", I did sing Wifey the song I wrote and performed for her at our wedding (part of the words to the song itself pledged that I'd sing her the song every year on our anniversary). Haven't missed it yet.

Don't ever intend to.

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Today's Breaking News from America

2008-07-04T21:55:00.004+10:00

It's a girl!!

... or is it??

Who can say, anymore? Chances are it'll be a boy by the time it finishes puberty, and then a woman again when it wants to start a family. Then it'll be a man once more so it can exceed in the corporate world more successfully ...

Ah, whatever. Good luck to the whole family.

My tip is: They're gonna need it.

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The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2008-06-28T23:27:00.003+10:00

I was immersed in the world of musicals when I was growing up, and as such I grew up with an excellent working knowledge of songs and dialogue from many of the musicals you may have heard of (and probably some you haven't). A sentimental favourite musical of mine (because it was the first one I performed in, when I was in Year 7) is The Pirates of Penzance. My love of this show was timed perfectly with the Australian stage version, starring the delightful Marina Prior in her first ever professional gig.

I'm not ashamed to admit, therefore, that I've always had a bit of a crush on Ms Prior. She is beautiful and an absolute honey ... not to mention so extraordinarily talented that it makes my brain implode.

Seriously, the voice on that woman is astounding. Her good nature and good humour set her apart from many other performers, as do her positive attitude and impeccable integrity.

So when Wifey and I decided to celebrate our upcoming sixth anniversary early (the actual date is 7th July, but we couldn't help ourselves -- and we also had to arrange for Wifey's parents to babysit), it was an obvious choice to buy ourselves tickets to see Guys and Dolls at The Princess Theatre at today's 2pm matinee.

What. An. Amazing. Show.

We had a great time, and the A Reserve tickets we got were fantastic. We were in the Stalls (no balcony seats for us!), Row J, Seats 34 and 35. That's right on the outer edge of the aisle, in case you didn't know.

I know others (including RichardWatts) didn't like the show, but we loved it.

The acting from Prior, as well as Garry McDonald, Lisa McCune, Ian Stenlake and Shane Jacobson, was superb. I was grateful that Magda Szubanski was unwell and did not appear, because she was cast as the 'heavy' gangster (no pun intended, honestly) from out-of-town, there to menace and threaten and generally be a figure the other characters were meant to be afraid of, so the idea of a woman playing a man with a false suit and a gruff voice just didn't appeal to me. In fact, I wasn't looking forward to that aspect of the show at all, because I knew it'd "break the fourth wall" for me and really burst the bubble, destroy my suspension of disbelief, and other similar terms of phrase like that.

The rest of the cast -- particularly Wayne Scott Kermond as Benny Southstreet -- was also fabulous, and the show-stealing number towards the end of Act II, "Sit Down, You're Rockin' The Boat", gave us both chills.

I've been singing the songs all night (a sure sign that I loved every minute of it), and want to tell everyone I know to go and see it.

But you know what the last impression is that I have? The one that I can't shake and will be with me until my dying day?

Marina Prior's right breast, which I saw in perfect profile for several seconds from my side-angle vantage point during the Act II opener, "Take Back Your Mink". Now, I've seen Guys and Dolls four or five times, but I've never seen a version of the show where Miss Adelaide and the Hotbox Dancers actually strip down to nothing but their briefs, and shimmy to the beat while facing the back of the stage (in full view of the surrounding ensemble cast members on stage, no less -- wouldn't you think it'd at least be a 'closed set'?). I was stunned. I was gobsmacked. I had a funny feeling in my tummy.

I also wouldn't have expected them to be that colour ...

But anyway, Wifey told me afterwards that the six Hotbox Dancers revealed just as much of themselves to our gaze, but I honestly couldn't tear my eyes away from the glorious vision that awaited me when I feasted my eyes upon my Prior convictions.

(I don't even think that last bit makes sense, but why stop now, just when I'm clearly enjoying myself so much?!)

Nah, clearly I'm exaggerating a tad. We loved the show, and the unexpected sight that had the 14-year-old BEVIS inside me whooping with excitement was a bonus. Yes, they were definitely topless (with not even 'pasties' to cover themselves -- why, I do not know), and we did see exactly what I claimed to have seen.

And it will be an image I take to the grave. (But only because Wifey's gonna kill me when she reads this post.)

Happy anniversary, darling!

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Twice The Trouble

2008-06-22T00:31:00.006+10:00

Today, it was with great pleasure that Wifey, Sweetums and I finally got around to visiting our good friends Riss and Logan, and their two darling little twin daughters, who were born three months ago!

It's terrible that it took us that long to see them (especially considering they live only ten minutes away), but it came down to the new family getting their heads around having babies in their lives (we had enough 'fun' with just one; I don't envy them having a baptism by fire with two!), and then every time we arranged to visit them, invariably either Wifey, Sweetums or I would be too sick to visit the newborns (due to Sweetums going through a manic stage of repeated teethings, which gives him colds ... which we often catch due to Wifey being pregnant and having no immune system, and me being a big child and not looking after myself properly).

Excuses aside, we were just delighted to get to see them. They're absolutely ADORABLE. They're definitely identical, and they look a lot like both parents. But they've got more hair than Logan.

I also received an early birthday present from Riss while I was there (that makes all three seasons she's bought me now, leaving just two more birthdays to go for her to be able to claim sole responsibilty for me adding this marvellous series to my DVD collection!), and I'm very excited to have received it.

Not that the day was all about me.

... Although it kinda was.

(It always is.)

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I'll Get My PhD For This

2008-06-20T21:16:00.030+10:00

Guess what? I'm a published author!

I wrote something that was recently published in one of the following magazines. You have to guess which one it was:

A) Empire Magazine

B) Better Homes & Gardens

C) Dolly

D) Business Financial Review

E) Playboy

F) Guns & Ammo

G) TIME Magazine

H) BARk

I) Muppet Magazine (specifically this one; a Christmas edition featuring PeeWee Herman)

J) The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Planner Prevention Guide

K) Floral Design

L) Texas Monthly

M) Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel Magazine

N) Woodcarving Illustrated

O) Men's Health

P) People Magazine (the US version; not the smutty Australian mag by the same name -- because as you can see, the US version is entirely without smut)

Q) Bridal

R) Laughter Magazine

S) Beatles Unlimited Magazine

T) Computer Shopper

U) Metal Pages

V) Circus Photo Magazine

W) That's Life!

X) Model Airplane International

Y) Hot Rod (from December 1967)

Z) The Goonies Souvenir Magazine

Well, as much as I'd love it to be a few of the above, and despite some of them being very likely, the correct answer was the first one, EMPIRE magazine. Not the edition depicted in this photo, but one of the recent editions. If you're really keen and you have some of the recent issues, you could try scouring the pages for my name. (But what a waste of time for so little pay-off!)

Anyway, the thing is this: I won a cap for my efforts (hold me down, I think I'm going to convulse with excitement over winning a cap) ... however, the letter I received with the cap said: "Congratulations on winning this awesome DVD".

Wha??

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A Tissue, A Tissue ...

2008-06-16T21:14:00.002+10:00

... Sweetums fell down!

He tipped over this morning and fell face-down on some concrete, scratching his face quite badly in the process.

It. Absolutely. Broke. Our. Hearts.

Hearing him crying and seeing the tears streaming down his reddening cheeks as he reached up his hands for us in such a vulnerable, "help me, only you can fix this, you're my comfort and my heroes" kind of pose was just heart-achingly beautiful.

My heart melted.

As it turned out, despite the damaged flesh and the slowly weeping blood from just below the surface of the cuts, he stopped crying pretty quickly and was okay (until a brief stinging incident during his evening bath). So he's a tough little nut and a well-behaved boy to boot.

(I get the feeling I boast about Sweetums a little too much on this blog. Sorry about that. I ain't changin', though. He's ace.)

Anyway, it looks like he's gonna be fine. By the time he wakes up in the morning, he won't even remember the incident or feel any pain from his scars, I reckon.

It was more of a tragic event for his parents than for him, I feel. And I'm sure we have a lot more of those in store for ourselves over the years.

This is gonna look stupidly lame by the time he's five and wrestling brown snakes he finds in the sewers ...

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Grow Up & Eat

2008-06-15T20:26:00.002+10:00

Well, tonight it finally happened. After more than five years of wedded bliss, Wifey and I bit the bullet and decided that it was about time.

It's probably for the best. I mean, fair enough. We were living irresponsibly.

Yes, that's right. We ate our evening meal at the dinner table, rather than on our laps in front of the telly.

It was a lovely experience, eating as a family. I heartily recommend it to anyone.

Unless you don't have a family.

So now we've finally joined the ranks of adulthood, and we even eat our meals without having the TV on at all. (I know, it's bizarre.) We've greatly enjoyed sharing each other's company and actually engaging each other in conversation. And Sweetums has had a ball telling us about his day in between shovelled mouthfuls of his mini-version of the evening meal. It's a delight and a joy, and it all works out for the best, because you can now view a whole week's worth of Neighbours episodes back-to-back on the Network Ten website each weekend anyway.

Huzzah!

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Not At All Annoying

2008-06-05T20:36:00.004+10:00

I'm not sure it this is going to work when I post this (I'm guessing it won't), but it works on my computer after saving it from the Internet to my desktop. It's just some advertising banner from some random site somewhere, but it flashes and rotates and blinks at you as brightly and intrusively as you can possibly imagine.

I publish this an homage to Jobe from What's This On My Hand?, who did a similar post (and made it work because I daresay he's smarter than me), but it was a long time ago now and I can't be stuffed searching for it on his site.

(Just kidding. Here it is. If the below image isn't flashing and being horrid, check out Jobe's original to get the right idea.)

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Name And Shame # 3

2008-05-20T08:56:00.004+10:00

What is it with bad drivers this month?!

This one absolutely takes the cake.

I had the misfortune to find myself following a BMW 4WD this morning, with the licence plate: TTG 661. The woman driving this monstrosity of a vehicle was talking on her mobile phone (illegally holding it to her ear with her left hand), repeatedly changing lanes and turning corners without ever once using her indicator, braking too late to give adequate warning to those behind her, was completely oblivious to the anger and panic she was causing in other drivers (not just me), and was clearly having a very heated and animated argument with someone over the phone.

AND THIS WAS IN PEAK-HOUR TRAFFIC!

Hey, stupid woman! Pull over if you're gonna talk on the phone. Especially if you're angry. And if you're not able to indicate. And if you're distracted from knowing where you're going. And if you're causing near-accidents left, right and centre. And if you've got a TODDLER IN A BABY SEAT IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR!

I beeped my horn at her, caught her eye in her rearview mirror, made the 'telephone' symbol with my hand, and shook my head to indicate that was she was doing was wrong.

Do you think she acknowledged her illegal and unsafe behaviour and pulled over apologetically?

Not. On. Your. Life.

She flew into a raging (silent for me, but obviously scary and abusive for her child and whoever was on the other end of the phone) torrent of screams and obscene hand gestures. It was so over-the-top and ridiculous that I burst into laughter, despite my own fury at her behaviour. Seeing me laughing only made her angrier, but by then she was a lost cause anyway. I wasn't laughing at her to intentionally evoke a response; she made me laugh at her mind-boggling self-righteousness in the justification of her own actions and negligence.

Whatever, biatch.

Kill yourself, your child, and however many innocent others you happen to take out with you in your head-height death machine for all I care. Just don't do it anywhere around me, where I'm likely to be involved in the accident you're bound to cause any day now.

In the meantime, have a pleasant day.

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Name And Shame # 2

2008-05-08T12:30:00.003+10:00

To the woman this morning who changed lanes without looking and nearly ran me off the road because she was busy DOING HER MAKE-UP IN THE MIRROR AND DIDN'T CHECK HER BLINDSPOT ...

Your navy blue Hyundai hatchback (with the licence plate NTV 165) pissed me off so much, I can only hope that by naming and shaming your ridiculously unsafe driving practices here, I will have enabled some measure of 'uppance' to come at you.

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I Pity The April Fool

2008-04-01T19:32:00.001+11:00

Everyone loves an April Fools' Day prank ... except for those who fall victim to one of mine.

This year, I decided to go easy on my workmates (seeing as they were spared the horror of it all last year and as such had not yet experienced me at my pranking best). So although what follows was very fun, it wasn't as severe as it could have been.

I got to work an hour early this morning so I could be the first one there, then I travelled down the lift and stopped at each floor (there are only four floors – two office levels and two basement car parks), and stuck a sign over the call button that said "ELEVATOR OUT OF ORDER".

Then I returned to the office and popped all the keys off the keyboards for six selected workmates (five people I knew would take it in their stride ... and my new manager as the sixth - what can I say? I like to live on the edge!).

After popping all the keys off their keyboards, I put all the letters back on in alphabetical order. I considered combining the keys from each of their keyboards so they each had six copies of the same four or five letters filling their entire keyboard, but decided to make life easier for them by simply rearranging the letters into alphabetical order.

People then started entering the office, after parking their cars underneath, seeing the sign, then walking out the driveway and around the building to enter through the front door and walk up the stairs. I even managed to prank everyone in the other two companies who work in the building with us!

The names on the bottom of the signs were the Administration Manager's personal assistant (giving it complete credibility) and the fictitious 'April Phwelles’. The first name is the person who normally leaves signs like that on the lifts when they’re not working (I used her name for two reasons – the first was to add realism, and the second was to stop that woman herself from arriving at work and calling the maintenance guys to fix the lift; if she saw her own name there, she’d know it wasn’t real) ... whereas April Phwelles is a fake name (say it aloud if you haven’t already worked it out).

After a few hours (at about 10am), I emailed all staff to let them know that if they'd taken the stairs this morning, they should have read the ‘out of order’ sign more carefully.

Ergo, I pity the April Fool!

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Home Again, Home Again, Jig-a-de-jig

2008-03-20T21:26:00.002+11:00

Wow. Well, it's taken a couple of days to recover from the trip of a lifetime.*

Wifey recovered fully after her trip to the hospital in Hawaii, by the way. But my parents arrived home this morning and apparently Dad got really sick after we left (with exactly the same thing!).

He's alright now, though. It just put a dampener on the end of an otherwise terrific holiday.

There's a few things I wanted to cover off on before I leave the subject of our Hawaii holiday forever in the past.

1) Bucket and Spade.

As you may remember, in the days leading up to our holiday, I admitted on this blog that Sweetums did not, as yet, own a bucket and spade combo. So Wifey bought him a small set of beach toys (a good size for travelling overseas in a suitcase), and he was delighted to play with them the first day we were in Hawaii.

Here's what he owned, bucket-and-spade-wise, when we left Australia:

Due to people giving him stuff, and his grandparents buying him stuff, and more stuff being offered to him from the resort's lost and found department, here's what Sweetums now owns, bucket-and-spade-wise, as of when we left Hawaii:

Crazy ridiculous. What a haul. He really lucked out with a massive amount of freebies, and now his trips to the beach (which will definitely continue, seeing he loved it so much on the holiday) will include a plethora of beach toys to keep him happy.

He truly is spoiled.

But he truly does deserve it.

2. Water-Saving Americans.

Upon entering the resort, one of the first things I noticed was a sign sitting on the kitchen bench that asked us to help conserve water by washing our towels less frequently, putting the dishwasher on low cycle (and only using it when it's full), and blah blah blah ...

But the most commonly-used method (at least where we hail from) was missing, so one of the best ways of saving water was lost. What method am I talking about? The Australian-invented 'half-flush' on the toilet. When it ain't necessary to use a full cistern full of water, why waste it? It's a great invention and a bit annoying that the rest of the world has been so slow to discover this simple but brilliant invention.

Not only did the American resort not take advantage of this essential water-saving device, but here's what the toilet bowl looked like:

I don't know how clear that photo is, but the water level is almost up to the brim of the bowl. And it's a mega-sized bowl. And when it flushes, it goes through approximately 7.8 gallons** of water. It just doesn't stop. It flushes and flushes and flushes. At first I thought the thing was broken, but no. That's how long they continue to flush. It was the same wherever else we went on the islands.

SO. MUCH. WATER. WASTED.

On each and every flush. I couldn't believe it. And they had the cheek to leave a sign on the counter asking us to be water conservationists??!? It boggled my mind.

For a comparison, here's out toilet at home:

(Don't worry; it's clean.)

It's a normal-sized bowl, it has a half-flush option, and the water level is an entirely acceptable, successful, adequate and effective minimal amount (as shown in the photo).

We had a great time on the holiday, and those Americans put on a great spread of wall-to-wall hamburgers for breakfast, lunch and dinner (not to mention the exceptional weather), but the ludicrous nature of the sign when compared to the excessive water wastage in the toilet had me scoffing at them in my mind.

But then, there's no reason to get all high-and-mighty. After all, it's not as if we Aussies have never done anything we might be ashamed of.

* Assuming you only live for about three years or something.

** What the hell is a 'gallon', anyway?!

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Hawaii 5-0

2008-03-17T07:58:00.017+11:00

We're back!

We arrived home safely last night and drove down from Sydney, leaving at 5pm and arriving here at 4am. I've been asleep all day today to catch up, and will be returning to work tomorrow morning.

I have to say, our dear sweet little boy is the most beautiful soul in the world ... but on this occasion, during the ten-hour flight from Honolulu to Sydney, he suddenly -- and for the first time in his life -- turned into this little monster:

It was terrible. An utter nightmare. He screamed the whole flight long, and nothing we did would placate him. True, the flight went for the duration of his internal clock's "day time" (whereas the flight over there was the duration of his internal clock's "night time", which resulted in him sleeping the whole way), but still. He had a miserable time, and neither Wifey nor myself had much of a blast, either.

But at least we got home safe.

It took forever to get through customs (the good news is that they didn't find our stash), and my brother-in-law was there to pick us up and take us back to my sister's house for a nice afternoon with them and my brother, before Wifey, Sweetums and I hopped in the car and took off down the Hume.

But I still haven't brought you up to speed on the past few days in Hawaii ...

We had one more day in Kauai before flying over to Oahu for our final day of the holiday. We stayed in the Aqua Aloha Surf & Spa, which is just two or three blocks from the world-famous Waikiki Beach. Here are some of the pics we took during the relatively few hours we spent there:

Here are some other random shots from the holiday that I haven't discussed in detail so far:

Two giant gorillas kissing (in profile)

Sweetums having a good time

An interesting way for a fortune teller to
insult her patrons (click on the image to enlarge
it, and look carefully at the sign on the door)

There are also just a couple of things I still need to say in response to the questions MelbourneGirl asked me (in the comments to this post) concerning my trip. See my reply here for the rest of my answers.

* We didn't have a luau (we intended to, but the day we'd set aside for it was spent 'recovering' in the resort's room after Wifey's stint in hospital). So that was a shame, but it gives us something to do the next time we're there.

* The aforementioned hotel we stayed in, which was just up the road from Waikiki Beach, was lovely. The room was a little small, but we were barely in it ... and when we were, we were very quickly unconscious from exhaustion anyway. It didn't match the resort on Kauai, but it did the trick and the price was right (i.e, cheap).

We left my parents on Kauai for another four or five days, you see (they stayed on the smaller island to celebrate their anniversary alone), so it was just Wifey, Sweetums and myself on Honolulu that last night.

* The weather for the entire time we were in Hawaii (both islands) was exceptional! It couldn't have been more glorious. Absolutely stunning.

Kris, I know you don't live on Hawaii, but as the token regular American reader on this blog, may I contratulate you on the superb job you and your kind presented to us in terms of weather. Well done to the lot of you. :)

* I'd also like to say that I ate better in during the last part of my trip than I did in the first part ... but I can't lie to you lovely people!!

* Finally, MelbourneGirl asked me to procure a kiss for her, from Lost hunk, Josh Holloway. Well, MG, it just so happens that you're in luck. And he's an EXCELLENT kisser. I ran into him on Waikiki Beach, and he was kind enough to pose for a few photos for us so I could pass them on to you. Here they are:

I sure hope you appreciate all the trouble I went to for you! And Josh was very accommodating with his time. Not only was he prepared to travel around with me from location to location for the various photos, but he also found time to get a couple of haircuts between shoots, and brought his wife in on one of them. He signed one (which is odd, because we were using my digital camera), and then took out seven hours of his day to pose for the portrait painting. Talk about giving to your fans!!

If I ever see you in person, MG, I'll be sure to pass on Josh's kiss to you. But in the meantime, I'll keep it for myself. It helps me sleep at nights, all cosey and snuggled.

*sigh*

Okay, gotta go. We've got almost two weeks' worth of Neighbours tapes to catch up on.

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Hawaii Post # 4

2008-03-13T22:12:00.015+11:00

Aloha!

Tragedy struck our holiday last night. Wifey's feelings of unwelledness grew into something far more sinister after I'd written last night's post; so much so that we had to take her to hospital for treatment. At first we thought it was morning sickness-related, but when the doctor had a look at her, he determined that it had nothing at all to do with her being pregnant.

Instead it was a bug she'd caught somewhere in Hawaii, which resulted in her having gastorinditus. We were in the emergency room for a few hours, and Wifey had two full bags of IV liquid pumped into her veins. But the stuff inside those bags -- sugar water is my tip -- certainly did the trick, because she's been fine all day today. In fact, she's been even better than she was beforehand.

You can tell from the below pictures just how pale Wifey was looking in the hospital bed (and yes, I was kinda in a bit of trouble from Wifey for taking these photos!). Hehe. Click all images in this post for a larger view.

We only have a couple of days left of our holiday (it's been going slowly, which is wonderful for us, and yet it still couldn't go slowly enough for my liking!), so we're making the most of the time we have left on this beautiful island. Especially not that Wifey's feeling so much better than she was feeling late last night.

Some of us have been enjoying the incredible scenery as we've driven around from place to place, while others in our group have perhaps struggled a little to even stay awake:

And just where have we been heading when we've been doing all this driving? Mostly to shops and beaches. Which brings me to to one of the questions MelbourneGirl asked at the start of the week; namely, which tacky souvenirs we've bought while we've been here. Well, as of this afternoon, here's the tally so far:

What workstation across Australia would be complete without a Jesus Action Figure standing atop the computer terminal and casting a protective eye over the proceedings? Not mine once I get back, I can tell you that much. His 'action figure' status includes 'gliding action' and 'posable arms' (which is great for having him position his arms in a wide, all-encompassing gesture in order to bless his surroundings and give me the upper hand at work). I'm not exactly sure how this qualifies as being worthy of the term 'action figure', but either way it's downright hilarious. It was a toss-up between the Jesus and the Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure. (Although I also had a fondness for the Marie Antoinette Action Figure -- special feature: her head pops off -- and the Casanova Action Figure -- special feature: *CENSORED*.) True, this has nothing whatsoever to do with Hawaii per se, but I found it too good to resist buying on the spot.

How could I possibly not buy an Hawaiian shirt while I'm here? I'll be wearing this to work periodically upon my return and proclaiming it 'Aloha Day'. My initial plan was to get a shirt that was ridiculously loud and abrasive to the eyes ... but in actual fact, I don't think this shirt looks too terrible, when it's all said and done. Naturally it's not something I'd wear every day, but the overall effect of the shirt on my glorious and sexy body isn't anywhere near as gaudy as I expected it to be.

I acknowledge that this is another bizarre choice for a 'souvenir', but it was bought more out of necessity for the practicality of the item, rather than any feeling that it particularly reminds me of Hawaii as such. I'm always in need of a toothpick after a meal (especially after eating meat), so dining out at restaurants as often as we have this week has really escalated the need for me to do something about it. Option 1 is to visit a dentist (pfft, yeah right!), but Option 2 is to carry some toothpicks with me at all times in a handy little carry case like this.

You may recall that it was my Dad's 60th birthday shortly before we boarded the plane from Sydney, and with everything that was going on, we didn't get a chance to buy him a present. So when we saw this T-shirt in Honolulu, we knew it'd be the perfect gift for him. The idea that it'll double as a reminder/souvenir of his Hawaii holiday with his first grandchild is an added bonus.

I don't think there were any other crappy souvenirs ... at least not so far. I may not have a chance to blog again until we get home; in which case I'll update you on the end of our trip (including our final day in Honolulu) in a few days. Until then ...

Aloha!

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Hawaii Post # 3

2008-03-12T19:47:00.001+11:00

Aloha!

I have to say, we're having an absolutely wonderful time here. The weather is totally stunning, and doing almost nothing other than relaxing on the beach or by the pool is a glorious way to spend the week.

Here's a couple of shots of Sweetums enjoying his new bucket and spade set that Wifey and I bought him. These shots were taken yesterday at the local beach at Poipu. So beautiful -- it was actually quite a stunning day all round.

Click all images in this post for a larger view.

And here's my little man - complete with tongue in cheek - enjoying some time in the water with his doting Daddy:

Today we all went for a drive to see Waimea Canyon, which was about an hour's drive west of where we're staying. The trip was fun enough, but the best part was the view that awaited us when we got there:

Wifey (with lots of sunscreen on her face)
overlooking Waimea Canyon in Kauai, Hawaii.

We had a great time, although Wifey hasn't been feeling very well this evening. We're not sure what's going on, but she's pretty darn sick, actually. Hopefully this won't worsen or even remain as it is for the rest of our holiday, because that'd really spoil her time away.

Looking forward to more fun and wonderment on the morrow!

Aloha!

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Hawaii Post # 2

2008-03-11T16:34:00.002+11:00

Aloha!

Well, here we are a few days after the previous post, so clearly I must have heaps to report on, right??

WRONG!

All we've done for the past three days is shop, swim, lounge around and eat.

AND WE'VE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!

(Alright, I'll stop yelling at you now.)

Actually, I guess I could show you a couple of carefully-selected photos from the trip so far, as long as we don't show anything too drastic ... like the photo (which you won't be seeing) of yours truly dressed up in my Borat 'mankini', swimming in the resort's pool -- much to the amusement of those around us, and the horror of my poor dear mother.

However, Grandma and Grandpa bought Sweetums a swimming outfit, complete with thongs (otherwise known as flip-flops, jandals, etc, depending on where you mail from), hat and cool little dark sunglasses. Sweetums absolutley loves his new 'sunnies', and wears them with complete and total 'attitude', as befits the tiny hunk that he is.

Want proof?

Click image for a larger view (you know you want to).

There's not much else to report at this point, aside from the fact that I'm the only one in our little troupe who's just loving American cuisine -- I always have and I always will -- so it's a good thing that my dear friend MelbourneGirl has left me a series of questions to answer ... some of which may be redundant as of my previous post, but I'll answer them all for her anyway, because that's just the kind of guy I am:

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1. how was it?

So far so good! Hopefully these posts will help to elaborate on this answer as the week unfolds.

2. did you get my kiss from joshy boy?

Not yet, but we've still got another full day and night to spend on Oahu, so you'll have to wait and see! ...

3. can you tell us which island? o'ahu?

You've probably already gathered from the previous post (and my previous answer) that we spent one day in Oahu, then we're staying here on Kauai for five or six days before returning to Oahu for one final day and night.

4. if not, which?

Um, ... are you demented, woman??! Kauai! Pay attention!!

5. where did you stay can you tell us? i only ask because we were on o'ahu in november, and we stayed at ewa beach it was nice

The Point at Poipu while on Kauai; Aqua Aloha Surf (see here for an external shot) for the one night we'll be spending in Oahu (which is three blocks from Waikiki beach). The resort here in Kauai is absolutely glorious; utterly to die for ... I'll update you on Aloha Surf at the end of the week.

6. did sweetums enjoy his bucket and spade FINALLY?

He's used them a bit at the lagoon-style swimming pool here at the resort, but their 'sand' is really nothing more than very fine pebbles, so it doesn't exactly hold shape when using the bucket and spade stuff. We're off to visit the actual beach tomorrow (we've been taking it too easy to have bothered heading out that way yet -- and we haven't been in any rush anyway), so I'll let you know.

7. what el cheapo and tackoid souvenirs did you buy?

Hehe ... none yet to speak of, but they'll be coming! I've already seen some items I plan to buy later on, so they'll be fully documented here.

8. how was the weather?

So far, it's been perfect!!! Couldn't have been any better at all. Sunny and warm and clear skies and wonderful.

9. what did you eat? sushi?

Nah; it's been nothing but burgers and fries for me, meal after meal. :)

10. did you go to a luau? which one??

Not yet, but I'm hoping to get Wifey to one when we return to Honolulu, if not before. I've been to one with my family when we visited Hawaii in the 80s, so it's really only Wifey who absolutely has to attend one. But yes, it's a priority for me to take her to one. And Sweetums, too, if he's aware of what's going on.

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Okay, that's it for me for today. I've got some postcards to send back home (the one to my workplace simply reads: "I'm in Hawaii. You're not."), so I need to get moving.

Aloha!

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Hawaii Post # 1

2008-03-09T00:08:00.014+11:00

Aloha!

So Wifey, Sweetums, my Mum & Dad and myself arrived in Hawaii this morning, on the island of Oahu (which is kinda what you need to do, as that's where Honolulu is located and if you want to fly international -- which again, as a series of islands, Hawaii kinda demands that you do -- then Oahu it is), and we spent the day there.

I say 'there' because as I type this, it's evening on the first night of our stay, and we're already on a different island. Just try to stop us!!

We're now on Kauai (pronounced almost the same as 'Hawaii', but with a K, obviously). Here, let me help you get your bearings:

Click all images in this post for a larger view.

So there we were, on the second island from the top/left, and now here we are, on the island on the very top/left.

It's lovely here. What can I say? We're having a wonderful time already, and even the ten-hour flight from Sydney was good (Sweetums got some good rest because it was his normal 'night time' anyway. It was also great having Grandma and Grandpa there to help share the 'baby sleeping on your lap' thing.

I should probably point out before I continue that my Dad's surprise 60th birthday party last night (was it really last night? It feels so long ago, now!) went off without a hitch. He didn't suspect a thing leading up to it, and it was a really fun night for everyone involved.

Then the next morning, which was Saturday morning, we all recovered a bit, spent some time together, I posted the previous item about my flight number being 815 (it actually wasn't, but let's make a deal: you allow me the fun of extending some literary licence in this matter, and I won't spoil the magic for you by fessing up that our flight number was J3), then we boarded the plane that evening. Ten hours later in the air, and we landed at 8am the same day (Saturday), before doin' stuff all over Oahu and then catching our flight here to Kauai.

So what's the 'stuff' we did on Oahu today? Well, we had breakfast at a little cafe in downtown Honolulu, which ended up being one frequently frequented by Aussies and Kiwis (we noticed halfway through our meal that they had Australian and NZ flags on the walls behind the counter). Then Grandma and Grandpa took Sweetums sightseeing along the coast for a few hours in our rental car, while Wifey and I indulged ourselves with a tour of the better-known filming locations for Lost. Here's the main one they push onto the tourists, despite it pretty much only featuring in one episode early on in the series:

Hurley's Golf Course.
(We don't know who that woman is, and no, it's not Wifey.)

But the scenery itself was amazing and wonderful -- and honestly made you think you were on the island from the show (it feels like you're there because the backgrounds are all identical to the ones Jack and co. always stand in front of.

So now we're here in the resort that we'll be staying in for the week (The Point at Poipu -- check out the revolving images of the incredible lagoon-style swimming pool!), and it's absolutely lovely so far.

Wifey is doing well, she was even okay with both flights, so the trip was even bearable for the pregnant one in our midst.

Tomorrow we plan to do a bit of shopping, maybe take a swim in that amazing pool, and generally take it easy ... you know, because we can.

Aloha!

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Should I Be Worried??

2008-03-08T12:13:00.000+11:00

Should I be worried that the flight number for our trip to Hawaii (where they film the TV show Lost), which leaves tonight from Sydney (the same city from which the doomed flight originated on the aforementioned TV show Lost) is '815' (the same flight number on the aforementioned doomed flight on the aforementioned aforementioned TV show Lost)?

'Cos I'm kinda nervous ...

What if life imitates art and we wind up dead on some deserted island somewhere, or if we crash into the water and drown? Or - worse yet - what if we end up being hunted down by a group of crazies, determined to keep the secrets of their magical little island all to themselves??

What if we don't get the chance to tell everyone our news that Wifey's pregnant again?

(Oh yeah, Wifey's pregnant again. She's due 1st October.)

Oops, I did it again!

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Aloha!

2008-03-07T15:12:00.002+11:00

I'm off to Hawaii for a week and a bit (starting tomorrow), so I'll hopefully be appearing in the background of an upcoming episode of Lost (I'll be the one wearing green felt and flippers).

Don't miss me too much -- and don't get too jealous, if you can help it -- but I'm planning to do 'bugger all' on the beach this week ... with my parents, my wife and my ever-delightful son.

Enjoy your week!

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Inappropriate?

2008-03-04T10:59:00.002+11:00

Do you think it's wrong to write on a colleague's farewell card (when she's leaving to have a baby), "I hope you have as much fun raising your child as you did making it"??

Perhaps it simply implies that I know too much ...

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Long Time No Bother

2008-02-28T14:49:00.003+11:00

Hello, remember me? I'm back. (Due mainly to a few individuals expressing their love and devotion to my blogging through some thinly-disguised threats to my personal well-being.)

The remarks about my mother and what I like to do in my spare time seemed frankly out of context -- plus, my mother is not as flexible as you seem to believe.

Oh, and I don't even have a gerbil, let alone ever attempted the kind of behaviour that was being suggested. Surely the poor thing wouldn't survive such an experiment, anyway? It all seems rather cruel and painful, and I certainly wouldn't want to be there to clean up the mess left behind.

Still, as Osama bin Laden can attest, it's nice to be wanted. So I thank you for your incessant whinging and nagging and hassling (and in one instance, the letter laced with a powdery white substance).

So what do I talk about? How about this:

In just over a week, I will be departing Melbourne for shores unknown (unless you're familiar with Sydney; then you'll have a working knowledge of where I am). It's my Dad's 60th birthday, so Wifey, Sweetums and I are driving up there to spend the weekend with the family. I think we'll be heading out to dinner or something, so it should be lovely.

But the BIG news (sorry, Dad), is that Wifey, Sweetums, Dad, Mum and myself will then be flying to lands unknown (unless you're familiar with Hawaii; then you'll have some kind of concept in your head about where I'll be located) for a week of fun in the sun. My parents have a time-share week available, and late last year Jetstar was offering ridiculously inexpensive flights, so the three of us are travelling there and back for just $1,400 - which is pretty darn good, really.

And if we crash-land upon arrival, we'll be found by the cast and crew of Lost (because that's where they film it), so we may even turn up as extras in the new season! Seriously, though, we're gonna hunt down their filming locations and see if we can spot anyone from the show. (If I see Josh Holloway - who plays Sawyer - I will get a photo / autograph / kiss / lock of hair / sample from him for MelbourneGirl.)

And we're gonna buy Sweetums a bucket-and-spade for him to play with on the beach. That's about the extent of our plans at the moment. We're just in it to relax, so it's gonna be fun.

We'll be back the week before Easter, so between my own leave and the public holidays, March is turning out to be quite the lazy month of work!

So, that's what I've been up to ... what about you?

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5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

2008-01-01T00:00:00.000+11:00

Merry Christmas To All!

2007-12-22T12:16:00.000+11:00

Just a note to wish all my favourite bloggy-type people (and you as well, seeing as you're reading this and everything) a Merry Christmas.

Wifey, Sweetums and I are in Sydney with my family for Chrissy this year, so we should have a great time.

Have a great festive season and look after yourself.

I hope to blog you again in the New Year!

Much love,

BEVIS.

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RIP The Cage

2007-11-22T09:20:00.000+11:00

It was with a tinge of sadness that I sat in my car this morning (after arriving at work at my usual 8:15am or so) and listened for an extra hour to the final-ever intallment of Triple M's "The Cage" breakfast show.

Now, before you lambaste me for listening to poxy commercial radio station like Triple M, don't worry - I no longer do. But I used to, for many years. And The Cage used to be my much-loved breakfast radio show of choice.

The gang's no longer here:
Fitzy, Brigitte, Pete, Parko and JB.

So when I heard they were shutting them down and kicking them out, I was sad. For them. Sorta. You know, a bit. And I wanted to listen to their final show.

So I did. I sat in my car after arriving at work, and continued listening to The Cage's last hurrah until their delayed finish at 9:15am. They ended with a special message from Brigitte to the station bosses who'd fired them. Thankfully, it was bleeped.

I never liked Brigitte Duclos very much (I mean, she's okay and everything, and they could have had a lot worse, but she wasn't my fave), and for a while there I thought Peter Berner had had his time. But JB was good quality and even Fitzy was capable of being very amusing on occasion. But there shall never be a man as funny as Matty P. Parko. Matthew Parkinson. The giant.

He's hilarious, and is probably my second favourite Aussie comedian (after Shaun Micallef). They're both tall, lanky men, and they're both geniuses. And I love them.

True, The Cage wasn't rating as well as its rival networks, but I really can't imagine Peter Helliar and Myf Warhurst are going to fare any better next year (once we're all over the novelty factor and have checked them out once or twice). Pete's great on Rove, but I don't think he'll be a big enough drawcard for breakfast radio (but I might be wrong). And Myf - although she's gorgeous and clever and funny and a music encyclopedia - will probably not have redeemed herself in the eyes of her Triple J audience for deserting the student-based radio station for "that commercial rubbish" (but I may be wrong).

I think Triple M have made a grave mistake, deciding to cancel The Cage as they have. But what more do you expect from the people who cancelled Get This? Easily the best radio show in the history of Australian radio (my apologies to Holly C and crew on Triple R), even better than the much-heralded Martin Molloy of the 90s, Get This saw the long-awaited return to radio of NZ-born but Aussie-owned "Where's Wally/Waldo?"-lookalike writer, actor, director and comedian Tony Martin.

They look like geeks, but they actually are.
But they're also funny geeks, so that's all right.
Tony Martin and Ed Kavalee.

Tony introduced us to Ed Kavalee (now extremely well-known thanks to his stint as Most Attractive Male Ensemble Cast Member on Network Ten's Thank God You're Here), and also brought in long-time radio funnyman Richard Marsland.

Tony, Ed and Richard had a different guest celebrity co-host
each day, creating a kind of freshness and uncertainty
of content that we've never before experienced on
Australian radio. What friggin' trail-blazing geniuses!

There's a nasty rumour out there (I read it on Wikipedia, actually) that Pete's hefty salary package was what meant Triple M could no longer afford to continue with Get This. If this is true, I'm not happy with Mr Helliar. And why couldn't Triple M turn Get This into an award-winning breakfast show?! At least I'd have been able to listen to it, then! Maybe Tony and Ed weren't keen on a 4am wake-up call. And fair enough.

I _HEART_ Get This, even though it was never on at a time that I could listen to it (and I'm too stupid to work out how to podcast). But on the occasions where I was travelling to work during the day, or called in sick so I could recover from a headache that had abated by 2pm, I would tune in to Get This will veritible delight.

A keen but doomed-to-disappointment listener
pickets outside the Triple M studios to save Get This.

But no more. Not only has The Cage gone to an early grave as of this morning, but Get This finishes up tomorrow afternoon as well.

Triple M? You're dead to me now.

----------------------------------------

PS:

TRAITORS!

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Backstreet Bird

2007-11-16T14:15:00.000+11:00

It may be old blogging news by now, but I don't care (and don't have the time to find out). The fact is, this is hilarious!

I won't say anything for fear of spoiling the fun (or repeating what's already written on the page in question), but watch the video through to the end.

What a genius bird!

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Mo' Tache In Movember

2007-11-12T10:14:00.000+11:00

Actually, that's a lie. I DO have a 'tashe in Movember ... it just isn't a very good one.

It's halfway between a 70s porn star moustache and some pooncy try-hard upper-lip stubble. It ain't too impressive.

Hopefully it looks okay by the end of the month.

Wifey doesn't know I'm growing it, yet. I hadn't shaved all month until last night - and I waited until she drove down to her parents' house for the week before shaving everything else off, leaving just the Movember moustache.

She won't see me again until Friday night, so hopefully by then it looks a bit more worthwhile.

She's gonna freak!

Hehehe ...

This is what I'm after ...

... but this is more like what it is.

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Happy Birthday, Sweet Prince

2007-10-04T13:26:00.000+10:00

It's my GORGEOUS son's first birthday tomorrow, and on Saturday we'll be busy throwing him an AWESOME birthday party for him and all his little buddies.

When he found out about it, this is what he had to say:

"AWESOME!"

True to BEVIS form, the party's taking on a Sesame Street theme ... so guests will find themselves surrounded by Bert & Ernie balloons, eating Ernie- and Kermit-shaped food, and leave heavy-laden with lolly bags bearing images of the gang from Sesame Street.

I'm sure he's going to have a ball, and although he won't remember the event, the first child's first birthday is more about the parents celebrating the past twelve months, rather than anything specifically to do with the kid himself (or herself, as the case may be).

Wifey and I will be enjoying making a fuss over him while everyone gathers around to coo, and with my whole family down from Sydney to celebrate (sans Grannie the hundred-year-old machine -- who couldn't get out of her heavy metal band roadie commitments to attend), it should be a RIPPER of a weekend.

Not to be outdone, it's Wifey's birthday on Sunday, too. So that makes it a fun time for all (and an expensive time for me).

What a shock that it's been a whole twelve months since this happened. I can hardly believe it.

But I hope you have a fun time over the next few days, little Sweetums. Daddy and Mummy love you very much, and we look forward to many more delightful years ahead.

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Sweetums Update # 7

2007-09-10T12:39:00.000+10:00

I know I've been away for a long time; my apologies. I could explain it all by saying how busy it's been at work, and how our home life has become so full of activity and mayhem that my blogging adventures were left by the wayside, but that ain't gonna interest you or make you feel loved, so instead I'll say I was kidnapped by pirates.

Thankfully, when I showed them a picture of Sweetums, they saw how adorable he is and let me go -- and as agreed, here's my big shout-out to Captain Tom Badass and his band of Pissy Pirates. You guys rock.

Captain Tom Badass, the Pissweak Pirate.

So, what have I been up to, eh? Well, there was Grannie's 100th birthday at the end of July, for which Wifey, Sweetums and I drove up to Sydney in a friend's loaned convertible (with the top decidely up, thank you for asking). We had a great time and Grannie was still cracking jokes and doing cartwheels, so she'll probably live to see Sweetums' 21st yet.

Sweetums at Grannie's 100th birthday in July.

Speaking of Sweetums and birthdays, next month will see him turn the magical, mysterious One. He's very much looking forward to it, and invitations are being sent out this week to all his little friends and hangers-on.

Wifey's been busy with her teaching rounds, but has recently completed another batch of three weeks. My workplace has seen more departures from my department, and at the moment I'm the only one left! (Yes, I realise that may be a message about my personal hygiene ...) I've employed someone who'll be joining the team next week, and I still have another position to fill after that.

Sweetums demonstrating how amused he is with Mummy,
who's hiding behind the camera, making him laugh.

I continue to be annoyed by bad drivers and poor spelling, punctuation and grammar on TV and radio ads (the latter not being so bad with the spelling aspect), and have recently found more Muppet items on eBay that I don't (yet) own.

So there's nothing much new with me. How about with you?

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Name And Shame

2007-08-02T15:16:00.000+10:00

Just a tip: If you're gonna drive through two lanes of traffic, holding your mobile phone to your ear and chatting away, oblivious to the cars around you swerving everywhere to avoid your stupid, reckless, dangerous and inconsiderate weaving around between the two lanes, you'd be wise not to do it in a van that's plastered with your mobile number on all sides, genius.

In my opinion, if people wanted to make never-ending anonymous nuisance calls to 0418 744 232 by way of making you learn the error of your ways before you cause someone's death, I wouldn't say that'd be the worst thing in the world ...

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A Full Century

2007-07-26T09:14:00.000+10:00

Congratulations to Grannie (Great-Grannie, or 'GG', to Sweetums) on reaching the golden 100 years mark. Saturday will see the old bat cross over into triple figures. How many of us can claim the same thing? (As this is the Internet, I'm going to take a stab at 'none'.)

Wifey, Sweetums and I will be heading off to Sydney tonight (after the Lost finale, of course), and will be driving through the night and into tomorrow. We'll be spending the weekend with my family, allowing Sweetums to bask in the praise and adoration of his paternal grandparents, his uncles and aunt, and of course his GG.

We'll be driving back on Sunday night and into Monday. I'll be back at work on Tuesday, and will update my TV blog shortly thereafter.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a great weekend. I still find it amazing that my grandmother is about to acheive what even Sir Donald Bradman could not.

A full century.

Can't wait to read the letter from the Queen (or whatever).

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Happy 5th Wedding Anniversary To Us!

2007-07-07T00:01:00.000+10:00

I'm Still Here

2007-07-05T08:44:00.000+10:00

I haven't forgotten you, gentle readers, but it's been a very busy time at work ... and all my time is being taken up either by Facebook (join up and make me a Friend!), or writing a proposal for the Kermit Collection (yes, they said I could send them something for consideration - wish me luck!).

But because your continued patience and custom are important to me (not to mention that I worry about what you're reading online, if you're not reading stuff I write), I give you the following quiz.

Which One Of These Guys Is Gay?

(The answer has already been filled in for you.)

I'll be back.

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About Face!

2007-06-26T14:02:00.001+10:00

I created a Facebook page the other day. You can view it for yourself here.

Has anyone else got a Facebook page? Please feel free to link to mine and become a friend.

It's all just a bit of fun, really.

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Collection: Kermit Culture: Perspectives on Jim Henson's Muppets

2007-06-25T09:40:00.000+10:00

I received the following from a friend on 21st June - unfortunately a week or so after the deadline.

The things I could say!

I've emailed them anyway and asked if it's too late to send through a proposal ... I'll keep you posted.

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Collection: Kermit Culture: Perspectives on Jim Henson's Muppets

{NAME WITHHELD} and {ANOTHER NAME WITHHELD} seek contributors for a collection of essays considering Jim Henson's Muppets.

All aspects of The Muppet Show and other productions or performances featuring the Muppets may be considered, although the editors particularly seek proposals for articles focusing on the original Muppet Show cast of characters. Papers may consider the various films featuring the Muppets, episodes of the original show, Muppets Tonight, appearances on The Ed Sullivan Show, particular characters from these programs, their significance as cultural icons, etc. This collection of essays will attempt to demonstrate the importance of The Muppets' influence and appeal, as well as their importance to popular culture studies as a whole.

Some potential subjects of interest include: consumption as recurring motif on The Muppet Show; commentary on stagecraft; the significance of the British-only sketches excluded from American broadcasts of The Muppet Show; representations of science; gender issues, voyeurism, nationhood and the representation of nationalism; literary adaptation in Muppet films; parody; images of the monstrous and deformity.

Proposals should be 150-200 words in length. Please include contact information with the proposal, including academic affiliation, if any. Please title the subject line of the proposal "Kermit Culture" to ensure speedy response, and include the proposal as the text of the email message as well as in attachment form.

DEADLINE FOR PROPOSALS: June 15, 2007

The editors hope to have complete articles ready for submission to publishers by Fall 2007 and will be discussing the project with potential publishers as soon as possible.

Prospective contributors may send proposals or complete articles to:

{NAME WITHHELD}, University of {UNIVERSITY NAME WITHHELD}, {EMAIL ADDRESS WITHHELD}

{ANOTHER NAME WITHHELD}, University of {ANOTHER UNIVERSITY NAME WITHHELD}, {ANOTHER EMAIL ADDRESS WITHHELD}

(Please cc proposals to both editors!)

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I really hope I can be a published author ... ESPECIALLY on this topic!

But then my dilemma will be: Do I tell you people that I succeeded in getting published (thereby unwillingly divulging my real name)? Or do I pretend they knocked me back (to maintain my anonymity)?

WWKD

(What Would Kermit Do?)

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The Power Of Advertising

2007-06-20T08:23:00.000+10:00

Advertising is a powerful thing. It can even change history.

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Damn Trespassers!

2007-06-18T08:49:00.000+10:00

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he'd planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, because he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten-litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

When he got closer, he saw that several young women were skinny-dipping in his dam. He cleared his throat so the young women were aware of his presence, and they all scampered down to the deep end of the dam.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

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Get OUT Of The Building!

2007-06-14T11:48:00.000+10:00

We had a surprise fire drill at work yesterday. There's nothing like an unnecessary evacuation* just when you're in the middle of something important** to annoy you on a Wednesday afternoon.

But the fun part is we got to go down the fire escape and walk up the street a ways to congregate in front of some poor sod's house. Their dog went ballistic with the excitement of having 50+ strangers standing outside his front fence.

We didn't know the fire drill was going to happen, and one guy in particular was on the phone when the fire warden strode through the hallways, telling people to meet up in the kitchen so we could leave through the fire exit together. I’m not sure if that’s standard procedure (should we all be holed up in the kitchen instead of getting the hell out of the building? What if it’s a kitchen fire?), but we were all making jokes and mucking around about it anyway.

The guy who was on the phone wasn’t really aware of what was going on, so after about ten minutes outside, the exercise was deemed a success and we all piled back up the stairs. Only then did we discover On-The-Phone Guy wandering aimlessly around the halls, perplexed as you like, obviously wondering where everyone had gone.

I joked that he’d missed the Rapture.

But it got me wondering: Should On-The-Phone Guy start to worry about his value at the firm? Is he really that unimportant? Not only did the fire wardens fail to get him off the phone and joining us in the kitchen, but they forgot about him when we all headed down the fire stairwell and no one thought about him when the drill was declared a ‘success’.

If I were him, I’d be worried that no one liked me – or that they were content to let me perish in the flames (should a fire ever start).

The funny thing is I used to be Chief Fire Warden in my old job, so I know perfectly well the importance of fire drills and proper evacuation practice-runs. Maybe I should throw my (shiny red) hat into the ring and offer to be a warden here as well.

It might mean the difference between a real evacuation success story, and the odd unfortunate employee ending up in freshly-baked crispy bite-sized pieces.

* Not a euphemism.

** I was blogging.

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Sweetums Update # 6

2007-06-06T13:22:00.000+10:00

Since the last Sweetums Update, things have been progressing well. The little guy is now kissing our faces (even making a soft 'tt' sound with his tongue to emulate the 'smack' of a real kiss - he copies the noise because that's how it sounds when we kiss his face), and whenever we wave at him and say, "Bye-bye, Sweetums!" as he's being taken out of a room, he waves back and smiles.

His waves are full-on waves (his whole hand really goes to town on it, and sometimes his whole arm gets involved as well), and he gets really excited - although that's probably due to the over-the-top reaction his waves get from us.

But perhaps most thrilling of all (particularly for his adoring – and adorable – parents) is his recent decision to engage us in conversations. It doesn’t matter (to him or to us) that the conversations make no sense; the point is that he’s communicating with us and is so earnest about it. With his eyes wide open, his arms gesturing about wildly and his voice raise in excitement, he babbles incoherent thoughts at us as if he’s telling us the most important and intense story ever told.

It’s lovely.

The fact that he’s so eager to talk to us and is wholeheartedly enthralled in his own storytelling is beautiful; the notion that he thinks we understand him is wonderful; and the idea that he will one day learn to speak in proper sentences to better get his thoughts across is sobering.

What if he decides to never shut up?!!

The fact of the matter is that Sweetums is currently staying with Wifey and my outlaws “down the coast”, while Wifey conducts her three weeks of rounds. I miss them. I’ve spoken to Wifey each night on the phone, and heard Sweetums babbling in the background, but all his precious photos on my screensaver at work make me a little teary because I miss him (them) so.

They’ll be back for the weekends, but three full working weeks without them is an interesting notion. Sure, it’s great to revisit my carefree bachelor days (ie, I won’t be cleaning up after myself until Friday night), and the full night’s sleep has been a shock to my system, but I’ve also grown accustomed to arriving home from work in time to give Sweetums a ‘Daddy cuddle’ and a bath.

I should also point out that I’ve taught him to beat his palms on the tray of his high chair to the tune of the following chant: “Where’s my dinner! Where’s my dinner! Where’s my dinner!”

Wifey thinks it’s hil-ar-i-ous …

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Cool Cat

2007-05-31T14:31:00.001+10:00

It's cool to be a cat, to be a cat ...

I like this guy's attitude. My cats are this cool (but they're not tabbies). One day I'll do a post on my cats (sorry, all you cat-haters), and you'll get to see the beauty of my adorable little furry friends.

In the meantime, check it:

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Ten Things I Hate About Youse All

2007-05-30T13:14:00.000+10:00

I'm creating another meme. Don't hate me. Tell me the ten things you most hate in other people. Here are mine to start us off:

1. Brought vs bought - When saying you brought something with you, make sure you remember your Rs (hehe, sounds like 'arse'). There's a world of difference between saying, "I bought this up with me" and "I brought this up with me". The latter means you carried an item up the stairs with you - while the former means you purchased it up with you, which frankly makes no sense at all, you gigantic moron. Numerous friends of mine make this 'bought' mistake, and it makes them sound downright uneducated and stupid (although I sometimes wonder if they're doing it deliberately to see if/when I'll snap -- newsflash: it'll be really soon, you ignorant goofballs). Commercial radio DJs Marty Sheargold (now from Triple M's breakfast show in Sydney) and Hamish Blake & Andy Lee (from Fox FM and its various Austereo partners' drive show) are all guilty of saying it CONSTANTLY, and it drives me nuts.

2. Haitch - This is the WRONG way to pronounce the eighth letter of the alphabet. The letter H. It is pronounced "aitch". There is only one H in the letter H, and it's at the end - not the beginning! If you say "haitch", it's best that you find out about this now: Everybody else is laughing at you cos you still haven't mastered a pre-school word.

3. Texting / talking on phone while driving - It gets me really angry to see people behind the wheel, driving along the road, holding their mobile phone up to their ear and chatting away. THIS IS AGAINST THE LAW FOR A REASON, NUMBNUTS. People are killed and maimed on the roads – not to mention the hundreds of minor accidents where the only damage is to the cars involved – thanks to idiots like you having only one hand on the wheel and a small fragment of your already retarded brain capacity concentrating on the road. People who drive while texting are equally irresponsible and invoking the anger of the gods (ie. me when I see you not paying attention to where you’re going). If it takes someone’s death to get you to realise why this law exists, it’s going to be too late for some poor innocent soul. What makes you tools think you’re above the law and don’t need to be careful? Sometimes I have no sympathy for the driver who’s full of remorse only after they’ve ploughed someone down and watched them die. What will it take to get people like this to pull over before speaking on their phones or texting their mates?

4. Changing lanes without indicating - This is another ridiculously obvious and ridiculously dangerous but ridiculously common thing that happens on the road. I can’t emphasise strongly enough the stupidity at play here when someone moves from one lane into another without using their indicator. Especially when there’s three lanes of traffic and the idiot driver is moving from one of the side lanes into the middle – there’s a whole other lane there of drivers who may be doing the same thing from the other side, you moron! There’s a REASON you’re meant to indicate! Just because YOU know what you intend to do when changes lanes and where you plan to go, doesn’t mean anyone ELSE knows what you’re thinking. More than that, you don’t know what OTHER DRIVERS around you are planning to do, either. So if you AND another driver were to move from the left and the right lane into the middle lane without indicating … YOU’D GET WHAT YOU BLOODY WELL DESERVE! There are a lot of wackos out there on the roads (there’s even a couple inside my head!), so assuming that everyone knows what’s going on in your mind is plain dumb. Assuming you know what’s going on in other people’s minds is even plain dumber. And assuming other drivers aren’t going to get a fright when a car swerves into their lane without using their indicator is the plain dumberest thing ever.

5. Queue-jumpers - If a group of people are lined up waiting (whether in a post office, supermarket or even lined up in their cars waiting to turn left), it’s the HEIGHT OF RUDENESS to push in at the front of the queue. What do you think you’re doing? You’re telling everyone that your time is more important than anyone else’s – and that’s the most arrogant and infuriating thing you could say to a group of strangers. If they’ve been lining up for a few minutes (or a couple of hours), then what makes you think you have the right to jump in and make them wait even longer?! They aren’t waiting in line for the fun of it – they’ve earned their spot in the queue by putting in the time waiting. You can’t come along and decide to squeeze in between people at the last minute. It’s really rude and gets me very angry when people do this.

6. Yawning without covering your mouth - Yawning is contagious. We all know that. So when you yawn without covering your mouth, not only are you sealing the fate of anyone who happened to be watching you, but you’re making us watch your saliva-filled mouth cavity stretch open – and that’s not a pleasant image, I don’t care WHAT your mother told you. Sometimes it also sets off a feral stench that offends whoever you’re talking to, if you happen to be in need of a breath mint. Additionally, those of you who make noises when you yawn don’t seem to realise that you’re drawing inappropriate attention to yourself and helping others who weren’t watching you catch the contagious yawning frenzy. That’s not very nice of you, is it. Yawn silently, and behind your hand, you dirty grub. And chew some gum … your breath stinks.

7. Phlegming while I'm eating - If there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to put me off my food while I’m eating, it’s when people nearby start hacking up phlegm from the back of their throat or through their nasal passages. Spitting it out is even worse, but just the grotty gargle noise of liquid snot being hacked through the nose, throat and into the mouth is enough to make my stomach turn. Maybe I’m overly-sensitive, but either way that noise is repulsive – and any human being who’s even HALF as considerate as they ought to be would know not to do that in public, let alone when people within earshot are eating.

8. Discussing the ending to movies and TV shows in my presence - This is obviously a big no-no for the likes of me. I am meticulous about not saying anything about movies and TV shows to people who might not have seen them yet if the stuff I’m going to say would spoil their experience of it. That’s not just the ‘final twist’ part, either (if applicable). I put myself in the shoes of the person seeing the thing for the first time, and know that there are plenty of parts along the way that would also be spoilt by me saying too much beforehand. So when someone is thoughtless enough to spoil endings and stuff for me, I get quite mad. Why can’t people think before they speak? Or at least check if I’ve seen The Crying Game before you say “that girl who was actually a guy all along”.

9. Misspellings / poor grammar in ads - This happens a lot. Almost every ad on television has misspellings, and most radio ads have poor grammar. It irks me incredibly, because I’m in the advertising profession (kinda), and I take great care in my work. Am I the only one? Honestly, it would appear so. That annoying Vista Blinds woman with the massive arm gestures who’s so cheerful about Vista being cheaper than their competition that she’s scary actually says “It doesn’t matter what they say, Vista are still cheaper” when she should be saying “Vista is still cheaper”. Vista is one company, not two or more. Get a clue, meatheads. And that’s just one of a myriad ads that constantly GET THINGS WRONG. I have often considered starting up a new blog dedicated entirely to the errors on ads on Australian TV, but it’d take up 25 hours of every day, so who has the time? (Literally no one.)

10. Memes - Hehe, ain't I a stinker? Well, too bad – I start ‘em up and send ‘em out. Hopefully this one will catch on a little. They don’t all have to be long rants like this one was.

I hereby tag Pomgirl, Sublime-ation and Gigglewick. Feel free to self-tag as well, if you like (leave a comment to let me know). The three I've tagged can also decline if they wish; I ain't their mothers.

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Miss Me?

2007-05-28T09:26:00.000+10:00

Hello, lovely blogger-type people. My apologies for my tardiness. I have been very lax in my communications with y'all, and I feel terrible for it. However, I have some good reasons for my recent AWOLness, and would like to share them with you now, if you don't mind. Pull up a chair.

It's been an interesting time at work recently. My supervisor's been overseas on holiday, and one of the staff members I supervise has been in hospital having surgery. Thankfully she's going to be alright and it's all good, but it means that the other girl I supervise (and myself) are the only people left in the department at the moment - and will continue to be so for the next month or so.

Of course, all four jobs need to keep moving, and there’s just the two of us left to do them. Which means we’re stretched a bit thin. And when the girl I supervise who's at home recovering from surgery is the editor of a monthly publication (which still has to meet its deadlines), I have to step up (or step down, as the case may literally be) and help fill those shoes to ensure that the magazine we produce still hits the shelves on the publication date.

It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was a bit of a battle. But it was fun. And we made it. Usually I have very little to do with the magazine when it’s put out – I’ll generally proofread it before it goes to print and sometimes get involved in artistic and creative topics when future themes, concepts and processes are being discussed, but the hands-on writing and editing is handled by the two girls I supervise. This month, however, I was thrust deep into the nitty-gritty goings-on of the writing and editing schedules. And I had to handle the advertising as well (and that’s quite a job in itself, let me tell you).

Well, I loved it. I had a great time, and (just quietly) we think that it’s one of the better editions of the past twelve months. Biased? Sure. But accurate? Yep, we reckon so.

To say much more would be to unmask myself and enable you sneaky lot to track me down and discover all my little secrets, so I’ll leave it at that (and those of you who know me in real life, please say no more about my workplace, etc), but although all my time was taken up writing articles and editing the entire magazine (as well as managing the advertising, liaising with the designer, proofreading the whole document and getting the files to the printer on time for publication), it was still a lot of fun and something I believe I’m very much suited to. I even inserted a small ‘BEVISism’ into the magazine, although it’s only there for those in the know to find and be amused in their own private ~~Idaho~~ world.

I get another month of it as well, so sometime around mid-June may see me go all quiet again. My apologies in advance (but I’ll be back).

The other main reason is that Wifey is going on teaching rounds next week – for three weeks. Due to the school she’s been placed in, she’ll be living with her parents “down the coast” – and taking Sweetums with her. This is so they can mind him during the day while she’s at the school and I’m at work. So I get to live like a bachelor again for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!!

She’s actually there at the moment. She’s doing an additional two days at the school (today and tomorrow), so Sweetums is already with his Grandad and Nanna while Wifey fretfully tests the water in her very first teaching rounds ever.

She’ll do so well at it, though – she’s a natural and very gifted talking with kids – so I’m not worried about her.

Sweetums loves Grandad and Nanna and won’t give them any trouble – so I’m not worried about any of them, either.

I’m worried about me.

Wifey’s only away for two days this week, but check out the freezer after I went grocery shopping yesterday:

Top left: Five little pizzas, all in a row.
Bachelorhood rules! It’s the new slice of life.

I can’t imagine what it’ll look like when she goes away for three weeks! Conveniently, those three weeks line up EXACTLY with the deadline weeks of the next month’s magazine I’m co-writing and co-editing … so I imagine I’ll be in good health when I return to you all in the later stages of June!

Thanks for hanging in there with me, and bear in mind that I’m not going anywhere for a while yet.

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Mum's The Word

2007-05-14T15:02:00.000+10:00

Happy Mother's Day to Mums (and even Moms) the world over.

Wifey had a lovely first Mother's Day yesterday. Sweetums woke her up with breakfast in bed (she got to order her meal from a specially written menu he'd prepared for her), and then he gave her a present. The card attached was home-made, and this is what it said on the front:

"To the best Mum in the world!"

Each letter was coloured in a different colour. Then inside, it said:

"Dear Mummy, Have a lovely first Mother's Day! Lots of love always, Sweetums."

Sweetums actually signed his name himself (with a little help from Daddy), so his scribbled attempt at writing his own name really added to the 'sweetness' of it. And his hand prints filled the centre of the card - bright blue paint on a yellow card, with "Sweetums, aged 7 months" written underneath his paw prints.

He gave his Mummy a lot of extra hugs and kisses yesterday, and Daddy took care of all the baby-handling duties for the entire day, giving Mummy a rest.

Today, of course, it was business as usual.

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The Muppet Show Season Two - Release Date!

2007-05-10T07:44:00.000+10:00

Well, good news for everyone.

(By which I mean "me".)

Disney has finally confirmed a release date for the second season boxset of The Muppet Show! In the US, the boxset is currently scheduled for a 7th August 2007 release. If they stick to that date, that's just TWELVE DAYS before my birthday.

Plenty of time for a pre-ordered copy to be sent to Australia by Priority Global Express Ltd.*

Riss, consider yourself on notice.

Advanced cover artwork (subject to change)
for The Muppet Show Season Two boxset

Some special features are included (you can read more for yourself here if you want), and the front of the box is expected to have the same 'felt' covering that the ordained the season one boxset. That time is was Kermit's chest you were purportedly touching; this time it will be Piggy's nose.

The Muppet Show Season One boxset

I'm very excited by this news, but I'm not counting Gonzo and his amazing chickens just yet. The date may be put back, the cover design my vary, the special features may be dropped, the limited release 'felt' cover idea may be abandoned, or it just may not be released at all.

There's still plenty that could go wrong with this, but for now ... I'm just going to spend the day humming happily to myself in the knowledge that "things look good".

* I made that company name up.

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Pulp Muppets

2007-05-08T08:42:00.000+10:00

This is the funniest - and most clever - thing I've seen in quite a while.

It's the trailer to Tarantino's film Pulp Fiction, but someone's put an AWFUL lot of work into superimposing the faces of collectible Muppet figurines onto the faces of the actors in the clip.

"Hi-ho, and welcome to The Muppet Show, you son of a *****."
"Wocka-*******-wocka."

It's highly amusing. Check it out by going to this link (the above image won't play the video, so you might as well stop trying to click on the play button, fool).

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Welcome, From Around The World

2007-05-02T09:32:00.000+10:00

Okay, this is a serious one. I need to find a whole list of different languages' translations of the word 'Welcome' (with the equivalent of the capital W included). It's for my work, and the only ones I've been able to find online are the following:

Arabic
Chinese (simple)
Chinese (traditional)
Dutch
English - actually, I didn't have to search online for this one!
French
German
Greek
Italian
Japanese
Korean
Portuguese
Russian
Spanish

So I thought, "Who better to help me but my worldwide readership and generally intelligent bunch of super-brains who visit my blog every day?!" (That includes you.)

Below is the list of languages I'm still looking for. Are you able to help?

If the answer can't be typed into the comments (I'd need any accents or 'unusual' characters to be visible, you see), please send me an email instead, perhaps with the translated word in a Microsoft Word document or something (whatever's convenient - as long as I can copy-and-paste it into my own list at this end).

My email address is:

muppet_bevis
@
tpg.com.au

Please make sure you identify which language/s you're helping me with!

I'd be EXTREMELY appreciative of any help you could give me for the following dialects:

Bangladesh
Burmese (Chin)
Burmese (Karen)
Burmese (Poe Karen)
Burmese (other?)
Chinese (Cantonese)
Chinese (Mandarin)
Fijian
Filipino (Tagalog)
Ghana
Hungarian
Indian (Talague)
Indian (Hindi)
Indian (Tamil)
Indonesian
Cambodian (Khmer)
Liberian
Mizo
Naga
Persian
Romanian
Samoan
Slavic (Russian)
Slovakian
Sudanese (Nuel)
Sudanese (Dinka)
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Vietnamese
West Papuan

Do you know any of these? Could you help out a non-multilingual moron?

Thank you!

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"May Day! May Day!"

2007-05-01T08:22:00.000+10:00

... or as Red Dwarf once said ...

"Shrove Tuesday! Shrove Tuesday!"

(Sorry - I just thought I had to share that.)

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Congratulations To Javatari!

2007-04-30T13:11:00.000+10:00

Well done to Javatari (and - more importantly - to his lovely wife) on the birth of their son Jake early last week.

What a happy time for all.

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ANZAC Day - The Birth of a Nation

2007-04-25T22:52:00.000+10:00

ANZAC Day, 25th April, is a day that is very dear to the heart of all Australians. It’s a day when we remember those who have fallen in times of war, in service to their country, its people, and freedom for mankind. (Those who picked themselves up again, dusted themselves off, and continued marching are also remembered.)

ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps.*

However, ‘ANZAC’ means so much more than that. It embodies what it meant to be a ‘Digger’; a ‘Battler’; a ‘Battling Digger’. ANZAC is the true essence of being an Australian. (The New Zealand aspect of it is – appropriately – forgotten and ignored.)

In the words of the official Gallipoli Campaign historian, C. E. W. Bean, the ANZAC spirit "stood, and still stands, for reckless valour in a good cause, for enterprise, resourcefulness, fidelity, comradeship and endurance that will never own defeat".

Of course, C. E. W. Bean was a drunkard and a cad.

Where does the term ‘ANZAC’ come from?

Well, I’m glad you asked – although I’m a little startled that you suddenly appeared mid-way through this post to interrupt my train of thought and ask me a question. Still, you’re an incorrigible young fellow or miss, so I’ll indulge ye.

ANZAC Day is held in both Australia and New Zealand on the anniversary of the first major offensive to use ANZAC troops on the shores of Gallipoli in Turkey in 1915.

Now, let’s not get carried away with racism on a day like this. I’m not ‘anti-Turk’. After the Easter Sunday debacle, I want to make this clear straight away. In fact, I adore everything about Turkey and the term ‘Turk’. I love to eat the bird at Christmas time (freshly roasted), and I find great amusement in the character by the same name in Scrubs. As for charming women who live in Melbourne but who once married a Turk and bore forth a delightful package (called a ‘child’) eleven or so years ago, dubbed her ‘Princess’ (or possibly another name in real life), and then began reading this blog (therefore fulfilling her life’s desire), … she is a gem.

Ahem. I digress.

… better than anyone I know.

When World War I began on 4th August 1914 (of course, they didn’t call it ‘World War I’ at the time … although, they did called it ‘The Prequel War’ for a short period), Australia committed 20,000 volunteer troops to the war effort under the control of the British Armed Forces. Those troops were soon on their way to Egypt where a plan was underway at the request of the Russians to neutralise the Turkish war effort and effectively take them out of the war.

The Turks, that is. The Russians weren’t interested in us surprising the Turks and taking the Russians out of the war. That would just have been silly.

At oh, six hundred hours on 25th April 1915, the First Expeditionary Forces of the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps landed on the beaches of Gallipoli, now known as ANZAC Cove, to an unexpected welcome.

And not the sort of ‘party pies and sausage rolls, streamers and balloons, tressle table with butcher’s paper tablecloth, music blaring loudly as the Turks sang “C’mon, Aussie, C’mon”, dancing the two-step’ welcome, either. They had guns (which was considered by the British to be, quote, “fairly poor form”, end-quote)!

The plan was for the ANZACs to attack the Turks across the peninsular, destroying the Turkish defences in the Dardenelles and leaving the channel open for the British to sail into Constantinople and remove Turkey from the war completely. I’m not sure exactly how they planned to do this last part. Maybe they intended to ‘wipe them off the map’, because records show they had an astoundingly large amount of "Easy Off BAM" on board.

However, the British plans had been made based on outdated tourist maps of the area, so instead of landing on open grasslands, the ANZACs found themselves facing rolling hills and steep cliffs covered with prickly bushes – a countryside that was being defended by a very tenacious Turkish Army.

Is that where the term ‘Turkish Delight’ comes from?

No.

How about ‘Tenacious D’?

No.

So anyway, what was initially intended to be a ‘quick and decisive strike’ soon turned into a ‘stalemate’ (which is posh chess-talk for ‘bugger’).

Many Australians died at Gallipoli. Presumably some New Zealanders and British soldiers did as well, but there are no records of this, apart from the official ones. Turkish troops cut a swathe through the Aussies, who dug trenches in the beach and bunked down for the night.

'The night' turned into twenty-three years. Many heroic stories came out about the bravery of Australian soldiers at Gallipoli. There was Simpson and his donkey (whom he did NOT call ‘Homer’), and probably one or two other stories as well.

Thankfully, the ANZACs retreated from the fighting just a few minutes later, having successfully stolen the one document from the Turks that they had sought. And here it is:

Recipe for ANZAC Biscuits

Ingredients

* 1 cup plain flour
* 1 cup rolled oats (regular oatmeal) uncooked
* 1 cup pure cocaine
* 1 cup desiccated coconut
* 1 cup brown sugar
* 1/2 cup butter
* 2 tbsp golden syrup (or honey)
* 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
* 2 tbsp boiling water

ANZAC Biscuits, photo 1.

Method

* Combine the flour (sifted), oats, cocaine, coconut and sugar in a bowl.
* Melt the butter and Golden Syrup (or honey) in a saucepan over a low heat..
* Mix the bicarbonate of soda with the water and add to the butter and Golden Syrup.
* Pour the liquids into the dry ingredients and mix well.
* Spoon dollops of mixture, about the size of a walnut shell, onto a greased tin leaving as much space again between dollops to allow for spreading.
* Bake in a moderate oven, 180C / 350F, for 15-20 minutes.
* Cool on a wire rack and seal in airtight containers.

ANZAC Biscuits, photo 2.

Tips

* Eat them.

ANZAC troops dashing for the cookie jar.
The recipe would be in safe hands by tea time.

Happy ANZAC Day, everyone. I hope I’ve been able to properly educate you on the trials and tribulations of our troops. Enjoy your ANZAC Biscuits accordingly, knowing that so many Aussies died bringing you the recipe. Perhaps enjoy them with a slice of turkey on top, just to show you’re not favouring one nationality over the other.

* Because the word is an acronym, it is incorrect to write it as any of the following: Anzac, anzac, or AnZaC. And when discussing the day, you should also use a capital D, like this: ANZAC Day. Anyone writing it incorrectly can see me after class.

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Randy?

2007-04-20T15:23:00.000+10:00

Here's a "Friday Fun One" for you ...

Open a blank Microsoft Word document. Type (or copy and paste) the following into the document:

=rand(10,10)

Now press enter.

SHAZAM!

Magic, huh? Now change the first 10 to 5, and the second 10 to 20.

See what happens? One relates to the number of sentences, and the other relates to the number of paragraphs. Now go and tell all your friends about it.

Cut fully sick.

Rinse and repeat.

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Hilarious Howard

2007-04-13T13:56:00.000+10:00

Irrespective of your views on Australian politics, you'd have to agree that having a bumbling Mr Sheen as Prime Minister of our country for so long has certainly provided us with our fair share of laughs.

So it's in honour of our tragic PM that I present to you ...

The Top Ten Moments
In John Howard's Political Career

Number 10:
“John Howard Farted”

Number 9:
“Young Johnny Howard, Lady Killer"
(Lawyers' note: Not homicidally)

Number 8:
“Kiss Me, You Fool”

Number 7:
“John Howard Drunk”

Number 6:
“John Howard Tying His Shoelaces”

Number 5:
“John Howard’s Senior Prom”

Number 4:
“John Howard Does 'The YMCA' With His Homies”

Number 3:
“John Howard Is Stupid”

Number 2:
“The Von Howard Family Singers”

And in the Number 1 position:
“John Howard Plays Cricket"
(watch it here)

In honour of the man who is John Howard (John Howard, if you’re wondering), I found this collection of clips on YouTube that represent the man in the best possible light. YouTube - is there anything it can’t do?*

* The washing.

Whoops, no – I’m wrong about that.

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I'm Not Racist, But ...

2007-04-12T16:08:00.000+10:00

My family and I spent a lovely Easter Sunday enjoying a BBQ lunch on the side of the Yarra River. It really was a delightful time - Wifey, Sweetums, my parents down from Sydney, and an older couple who are close family friends.

We arrived at 10:30am and set up on a vacant table-and-chair setting, five metres from two of the communal BBQs.

A group of Japanese people were just setting up on the BBQ when we got there, so we settled back to wait until they were finished. We were in no rush.

Cut to three hours later, and we were starting to get hungry. But the group of Japanese people had grown from six to twenty-six, and they were still using both BBQs to cook their food.

There was no regard for anybody else using the BBQs, and no concept of “communal sharing”. It was getting a bit ridiculous.

When my Dad went over and asked them how much longer they’d be using the BBQs that are meant for everyone, he was told to get here earlier next time.

Nice.

But, you see, it’s a culture thing. It’s “our” culture to cook the food, then bring it back to the table and eat it together. It’s “their” culture to stand around the BBQ cooking their food, and picking it off a bit at a time, eating it as they stand there talking.

There were no intentions of sharing the community BBQ at all. They’d claimed it for the day, and hang anyone else who had food waiting to be cooked. Three other groups of people asked them for one of the two BBQs as well, and were promptly told to nick off (my wording, not theirs), and the whole thing really put a dampener on the day.

It wasn’t their BBQ to commandeer for all of Easter Sunday – in fact, it was their responsibility to share the BBQs provided by the council with other community members.

We found it quite annoying (even without the level of disrespect paid to my always-charming father) that they had a total disregard for anyone else’s cooking requirements.

By 1pm, we’d worked our way into a cooking queue on a BBQ further down the river, and we were happily sitting down to eat by 1:30pm.

When we packed up and moved on at 3:30pm, the group of Japanese people were just starting to pack up and leave as well. No one else had been able to use either of the two BBQs they’d been hogging since 10:30am.

What a charming attitude.

Not me and not my food.
But that's the BBQ in question.
(And my hat, strangely enough.)

But it got us thinking; we understood the difference in culture on display here, but the whole “when in Rome” approach made us think that they should either have brought along a portable BBQ if they intended to be using it non-stop all day, or perhaps hold such a picnic at someone’s home. Alternatively, they should have restricted their use of the hotplates to just one of the two BBQs.

At the very least, they shouldn’t have been so snappy and rude to my Dad, who really is a very nice and polite guy. Much more so than me.

Is it insensitive of me to think along these lines? It really doesn’t matter that they were Japanese (except that I was able to concede it was a cultural thing). If “typical Aussies” (to really generalise the matter) had done the same thing, we’d have been even angrier about it – the Japanese context at least meant we understood the reasoning behind the apparently BBQ selfishness.

Perhaps they were simply ignorant of the inconvenience they were causing other picnickers, but more likely is that they just didn’t care. Maybe they weren’t aware that the rest of us only needed 20 – 30 minutes on the BBQ to prepare our entire meal, but I think if they’d been more thoughtful and considerate of others, they wouldn’t have had their car tyres let down as we left.

How rude!

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Sorry, Kids ...

2007-04-06T16:34:00.000+10:00

Guess who I ran into yesterday.

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Sweetums Update # 5

2007-04-05T08:27:00.000+10:00

Today is Sweetums' six month birthday (or anniversary, if you prefer). And as it's my fifth Sweetums Update, I thought I'd break with tradition and show you five photos of him. But this will undoubtedly be the last time his photo appears on my blog.

We've got a big Easter weekend ahead of us. My parents decided a fortnight ago that they'd come down from Sydney to spend the long weekend with us in Melbourne, so Wifey excitedly arranged a big banquetty lunch for both sets of parents and Wifey's sister, her husband, and their two kids (a two year old daughter and a son who's just seven weeks older than Sweetums).

It's going to be a fun event (Wifey has even printed up individual menus for the occasion that I'll be laminating for her), and we're very much looking forward to having both sides of the family around for an Easter meal. It's a shame my siblings and siblings-in-law couldn't also make the trek down from Sydders, but they're saving their money for a trip in October to celebrate Sweetums' first birthday - and that's definitely gonna be a bigger, far more important event.

(Caution: Religious Joke Ahead!) Sweetums has very much been looking forward to seeing Grandma and Grandpa again (it’s been a long time since he saw them last), and he has a LOT to tell them. In fact, their impending visit has been ALL he’s talked about for the past two weeks! For their part, I know Grandma and Grandpa are bursting at the seams to see Sweetums again, and I just hope they travel safely on the roads. It won’t be any fun if they die on their way down here. We’ve already had one death at Easter.

I'm looking forward to waking up and finding chocolate bunnnies, etc, not only at the foot of MY bed, but also at the foot of Sweetums' bed - which Daddy will no doubt have to help him eat. :)

Wherever you are and whatever your traditions and beliefs, I hope you have a safe and happy Easter long weekend.

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Muppet Question # 22 Answered

2007-03-29T08:21:00.000+10:00

At some point in the deep dark past (I’ve been unable to locate the actual question anywhere – perhaps it was in an email that has expired from my useless email account), Javatari asked something like ...

Who was the only magician (to my knowledge) to ever appear as a guest on The Muppet Show?

His name was Doug Henning, and he was a Canadian magician who died of liver disease seven years ago. He was featured as the special guest star in the 21st episode of season four of The Muppet Show.

Henning’s magic shows were unique, in that he did away with the traditional “top hat and tuxedo” outfit in favour of bright, multi-coloured casual clothing and tights (“ooh err”).

Doug performs an illusion with Doglion
and the poorly-costumed 'Bird Dancers'

Most notable about him was his long, bushy moustache and long, wavy hair. Very ‘hippie’ for the time – and not what was normally expected of a stage magician. He also had an extremely broad and infectious smile.

He is credited with reviving the magic show as a form of mass entertainment in the 1970s and for popularising it on television. No doubt his appearance on The Muppet Show helping him quite a lot in that regard.

Doug performs an illusion for Robin
using two tiny handkerchiefs

Henning was nominated for Broadway's 1975 Tony Award as Best Supporting or Featured Actor in a musical for The Magic Show.

Perhaps most interestingly, Doug Henning ran for the House of Commons in Canada as a candidate for the fringe Natural Law Party in 1993.

Doug Henning
1934 - 2000

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No More Friday Q+A

2007-03-28T08:59:00.000+10:00

I've had enough of the idiots who insult other people over on Ms Fits' Friday Q+A posts, at least one of whom was previously a friend of mine (in the blogosphere) before deciding to have a go at me in public and start a trend of leaving insults for me in the Q+A comments.

Friggin' hell, what's the big problem, anyway? I'm only being entertaining by mucking around and being silly -- and I don't care if they're interested in reading my comments or not. I'm not writing to anyone who's not interested; I'm writing to Ms Fits/the general public who read the comments and know my tongue is always firmly planted in my cheek. Instead, those tools are reading me 'seriously', when 'stupid jokester behaviour' (if anything) is all they should be reading into my comments.

Just relax, people.

So long as Ms Fits doesn't mind (and she said she doesn't, having pleaded with me to return when I disappeared from Friday Q+A for a week), I'll say/ask what I like.

If people don't want to read anything I have to say, here's a tip: Don't!

Anyone who complains about it is missing the point, especially the moron who thinks I was making references to going to school with Ms Fits for my own personal glorification. THAT WAS SARCASM, GENIUS. Read it in context of what the person before me had asked.

I feel like the Working Dog gang when they made Frontline. I won't clarify why/how. You know me; I'm too modest for that.

MORE SARCASM!

Most of my comments over there have been self-depreciating anyway. Get a clue.

At least I have the good grace to ignore other comments that don't interest me; isn't it funny how other people don't extend the same courtesy without feeling the need to be insulting? Oh well. "Rubber; glue", etc.

I love the Internet. How easily old bloggy friends can turn on you. Amazing.

I won't be returning to the Q+A posts. (Cue a resounding cheer from all over at Reasons You Will Hate Me.) Clearly it's going to be a trend to BEVIS-bash over there now, and I'm not even going to go read the comments anymore if they're aimed at firing me up or putting me down (two confusingly conflicting terms).

I knew the BEVIS limericks were going to cause a backlash, and they have. My questions alone didn't do it; they were just a bit of fun. It was how frequently my name kept popping up throughout the Q+A posts that did it, even when I hadn't left a comment myself. Readers got sick of seeing my name everywhere and it started to bug them (which is fair enough), but they failed to take into account that about half of those references were being made by other people. So the carefully-capped number of times I chimed in for laughs was outweighed by the number of times other people were talking about me or writing limericks about me, and suddenly those who didn't care were getting angry every time they saw my name.

I understand how that works; they're not conscious of how often I left a comment or asked a question; they just know that my name cropped up far too frequently for their liking. So they start telling me to shut up. I can understand it, but they're not being fair or thinking it through very rationally.

So the best way to deal with it is to avoid it entirely. Hopefully in time people will stop associating my Blogger name with the term "serial pest", because in a few short weeks that's how I've been labelled.

It's disappointing, because if you read my actual comments in their proper context (such as who I'm replying to), I'm actually just being an amusing little smartarse. I'm not insulting anyone or being mean, I'm not being politically or in any other way controversial, I'm really not rocking the boat at all.

But whatever. I don't want other people's misconceptions of me (caused by elements outside my control) to adversely affect my blogging time.

Best to leave well enough alone, I say. Let the fools continue to insult me behind my back if they want to. I hope they don't, but they probably will. For a while at least.

I'll continue to read Ms Fits' posts, but not her Friday Q+A ones anymore. It's just not worth the hassle and grief.

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An Amusing Anecdote

2007-03-26T10:27:00.000+10:00

With thanks to Army Man magazine; "You were gone too soon."

My wife and I rent a small cottage on the shimmering shores of Lake Superior every summer. The rustic little bungalow is made of rough-hewn logs chinked with mud, and the front door opens onto an unequaled vista of towering evergreens and azure water — just the thing to settle the nerves of an addled contestant in the “rat race.”

Last summer my wife and I were merrily preparing a hearty supper of fresh-caught trout and corn on the cob, when who should wander up but a little old man with a bulging knapsack strapped to his ancient back. He looked like a crusty forest tracker from the days of Lewis and Clark. Hailing us from a distance, he approached our modest lakeside cabin and extended his weathered hand in greeting. Bending forward under the weight of his burden, he whispered something in my ear.

It was an amusing anecdote!

Big Blogger Is Back!

2007-03-22T23:45:00.001+11:00

See this post for details and to apply to be a Big Blogger Housemate in 2007.

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Can I Get A Witness?

2007-03-21T08:38:00.000+11:00

I was in a car accident on the way home from work yesterday.

Nothing serious (the guy on my right changed into my line without checking his blind spot first, resulting in him side-swiping me), but I've now got to go through the inconvenience of going without the car while it's getting fixed.

It's booked in for Friday morning, which means the weekend and probably most of next week will be a juggling act with my work, Wifey's uni course, and Sweetums' babysitting with Wifey's parents (all of which start at the same time in three very different places). We're gonna have to find a way to do all three things at once, somehow - using the one car.

I realise this isn't the worst thing in the world (people HAVE historically managed to get things done using just ONE car before - and then there's the whole "how did people survive before cars were invented?" philosophy), but that's really beside the point.

Our schedule is based on two cars, and two very different timetables that are independant of each other. So that makes this quite tough.

And considering the other driver was at fault (and admitted so - and I got him to sign a piece of paper for me stating so - and then a woman pulled over who'd witnessed it and had to do a massive U-turn further down the highway to come back and speak to us, which was very kind of her, who also stated the other guy was at fault ... so I should be okay with proving my innocence), it's just a huge hassle to have to go through the whole rigmorole again.

I had another not-at-fault car accident last year, you see. On the same highway. But that time, a woman ran into the back of me as I braked. She also admitted fault and I had to go without the car for about a week ... but Wifey wasn't at uni at the time, and Sweetums wasn't being babysat, so it was much easier just to use our other car to get to work.

I guess anyone who's been in an accident before (whether it was their fault or not) will understand the hassle of going without their car while it's being repaired.

But hey - it's not the end of the world. I was okay; the other guy was okay; there were no other people involved and no one became a casualty. So apart from the stupid woman who beeped at us when we pulled over on the side of the road (we weren't blocking her way or anything - what did she think we were doing? Settling down to have a picnic?!), there was no real need for any anxiety.

That didn't stop my hands from shaking for about an hour, though.

I don't think the other guy used his indicator, either. I certainly didn't see him indicate. I was just happily driving along, and then suddenly he was just trying to sit on my lap.

I actually reacted very well during the accident. I slammed on the brakes, which made the tyres squeal and alerted the other guy (who I should point out was driving a big van, as compared to my little car) that I was even there. I also swerved as much as I could over to the left, out of his way, because thankfully the lanes were kinda wide. He travelled with me a bit, though - partly because he'd already hit me and was perhaps caught in the side of my driver's door a bit, and partly because he was in the middle of his left-moving momentum. So I swerved to the left, but not dangerously so. We were probably doing 80km at the time, and if I'd swerved dangerously, or if it'd been a wet road, or if we'd been doing 100km, it might have been a very different story that ended with me smashed into a concrete barrier, or wrapped around a telegraph pole, or flipped over and over and rolled along the road or something. So I'm quite grateful that the accident ended so smoothly.

I'm also extremely grateful to the woman who travelled so far along the highway, turned around, travelled way back past us again, turned around, and then came back and stopped to offer herself as a witness. The guy in the van had his brother with him, so I figured if they decided to change their story later and try blaming me somehow, he'd had a witness and I wouldn't. That's why I asked him to sign the piece of paper (which he did, but I had no way of knowing if the signature meant anything - he said he didn't have his wallet on him so I couldn't check his details or signature ... my insurance company said it didn't matter because I had his brother's details instead and the licence plate). But until the woman turned up and gave me her details as well, I was worried that it was all going to come back and bite me on the arse.

(Yes, MG - I said "arse"!)

Thank the Lord for that wonderful, kind-hearted woman. How many of you would travel 5km out of your way to go another 5km backwards to stop at a pretty minor accident and leave your details? I'd like to say I'd do the same thing, but to be honest, on my way home to see Sweetums, I'd probably put it in the "Not My Problem" basket.

Well, not anymore. Not after this wonderful lady has done this for me. I'll be doing the same for someone else, if I ever witness an accident like that. No fear.

I'm just glad my Rating 1 hasn't been affected and I won't have to pay anything.

So that's my big story for the week.

I hope.

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Cool Name For A Nightclub

2007-03-20T15:19:00.000+11:00

"Baybee Ceils"

Can you imagine?

"I'm going to Club Baybee Ceils."

*sounds of pummelling ensue*

Hehe.

Radical!

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Sweetums Update # 4

2007-03-16T13:52:00.001+11:00

Sweetums said his first word yesterday morning:

"Hello."

Ain't it funny how such a simple thing can brighten up our lives and have Wifey and me floating on air for the rest of the day?

He's also rolling around, laughing like crazy at silly Daddy, holding our mouths and noses when we're talking to him, reaching his little arms around our necks when we cuddle him, and patting the cats when they wander by (no one's attacked anyone yet).

He's mere moments from crawling properly, and smiles broadly from ear to ear when I get home from work and announce my arrival with the obligatory, “It’s Daddy!”

Sweetums came in and met me at work for lunch yesterday … and he very thoughtfully brought Wifey with him. It was lovely seeing them in the middle of the day. It really cheered me up and I got to show them both off to my colleagues. I couldn’t get Sweetums to say ‘Hello’ to them, but I got him to laugh when I lifted him up into the air. He loves that.

At five and a half months old, I reckon my son's pretty smart.

But I'm biased.

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Blogger Beta Issues

2007-03-13T15:47:00.000+11:00

I was forced onto Blogger Beta the other day (the damn system didn't give me any choice in the matter), and I'm NOT happy about it.

I was purposefully holding out until the problems were fixed. I wasn't SCARED of change. I wasn't being LAZY. I wanted to AVOID all the problems Blogger Beta was experiencing (and continues to experience).

But no, like a jury system or a random lottery, I was plucked from the masses and told, "IT'S TIME" by the Blogging God (whom I call 'Blog'). I think I'd prefer to have been selected for Jury Duty. Even with Pauly Shore.

It didn't take me very long to get pissed off with the new Blogger. Here's the problem I'm suffering from at the moment: Comment Moderation Hell.

So, whoever you are who's left a comment and it hasn't appeared yet ... now you know why. I love you (within reason), and we're told that it will appear in the list SOME DAY for me to approve.

But until then, it's a mystery.

A bit like how Pauly Shore had an acting career.

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A Prickly Pimply Issue

2007-03-09T13:46:00.000+11:00

Hey BEVIS,

Hi, I'm < INSERT NAME HERE >. I was reading about acne on the internet and i ran across you web site. I saw that you were put on Accutain. I went to the doctor today because i am tired of the acne on my chest and face so i am willing to do what ever it takes, but is it really worth it? Your article scared me and i don't know if i should try it. Please e mail me back i'd love to hear what you have to say about it.

< INSERT NAME HERE >

Hi < INSERT NAME HERE >,

Thanks for your email. I'm not sure which of these particular posts you're talking about (listed here in chronological order), but yes, I was a regular taker of Roaccutane in my teenage years.

http://ibloggedmyself.blogspot.com/2005/10/regrets-here-they-be.html

http://ibloggedmyself.blogspot.com/2005/10/regrets-why-they-aint-really.html

http://ibloggedmyself.blogspot.com/2006/05/six-things-i-hate-about-me.html

I ain't no doctor, but I know that everyone who takes the drug seems to experience different side effects in different ways and to different levels (either in the extreme or in quite a minor way). I've heard of Roaccutane takers having little or no side effects, but (in MY day, at least - which was 1991 to 1993) the majority seemed to have quite strong responses to the drug.

Personally, my experience was shockingly bad - and as my blog states, I had severely cracked and sore lips (they looked like a leper's lips, continually peeling and with broken skin sticking off them at all times), daily nose bleeds (sometimes two or three a day and generally long-lasting when they came), an extra sensitivity to sunlight (which continues to this day), and premature baldness (this set in about six years later, when I was at uni, and refers to 'crows feet' and a bald patch on the back of my head - the normal spots for baldness to set in, but generally not when you're 25). Thankfully it's 'popular' these days to shave your head, so this isn't as bad as it might have been twenty years ago (although sometimes I think it'd be nice to have a full head of hair again!).

However, I had really bad cystic acne, which presented as large welts of pus and blood. They were very painful, and about the size of an Australian fifty-cent piece. I'm not sure what part of the world you're from, so if that description is lost on you, I'm talking about welts that were 4cm or 1.5 inches in diameter. They were all over my back, chest, and the back of my neck (up into my hairline at the back of my head). They were extremely painful and would pop (oozing and aching) at random times or when my clothing or another person brushed or pushed against them too hard.

So when you look at it like that, I certainly NEEDED to take Roaccutane. The pock-marks I have on my skin (my shoulder blades, chest and the back of my neck in particular) from where these cysts were popped and left permanent craters on me are testiment to the fact that I had a really shocking case of acne as a teenager, so I know that if I HADN'T taken Roaccutane (as humiliating, ostracising and degrading as the side effects were), my appearance now would be much worse than it is.

I guess what I'm saying is it depends on how bad your acne is. If it's really bad and bothers you, you don't want it to stick around for life (or even just for a few years, where it'll continue to ravage your face and chest - as it sounds like it's already been doing). And the side effects might not be too bad for you. Also, I presume that in the 14 years since I stopped taking the stuff, presumably it has been improved upon by the makers of the product.

Bear the 'horror stories' in mind, certainly - but weigh it up against your feelings concerning the acne.

And above all else, remember that your appearance (whether the temporary one while you're on the stuff, or your permanent one after you finish taking it) is only skin-deep. It doesn't have to determine who you are or anything.

It took me a few years to work that out, so my strongest recommendation to you would be to surround yourself with people who love you no matter WHAT you look like, and when the self-doubt moments come, make sure you listen to them saying it doesn't matter and you'll get through it, etc.

It was the 'shame' that got to me the most - and I shouldn't have let it.

Anyway, I don't want to influence your decision either way, but whatever you choose to do, just try to be happy with yourself as a whole person ... and not just as the external 'shell' others see on the outside.

I hope I was of some help / comfort / encouragement / something! :)

Cheers,

BEVIS

Thank you so much for your reply. I believe you had a more severe case than i do, i have maybe 20 welts on my chest and it still just makes me very self conscience. I actually went to the tanning bed the other day and it actually cleared it up. I don't live near a beach or anything like that, I'm actually from Tennessee. I think i am going to continue to go to the tanning bed and soak in some more rays and hopefully get it all cleared up before I go on Spring Break. I don't know if I am willing to take the risk of using roaccutane and face the side-effects. Thanks again BEVIS!!

< INSERT NAME HERE >

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May The Sauce Be In Aisle Three

2007-03-05T13:12:00.000+11:00

This is hilarious. It's probably old news now, but it's somehow escaped my attention until Colls Bolls let me know about it on the weekend.

The saga of Chad Vader, younger and less-impressive brother to Darth Vader.

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5 (Holiday Special)

Episode 6

A seventh and an eighth episode are both currently in the works, so if you like what you've seen here, be sure to check back at YouTube later for more!

In the meantime, here's an extra treat:

Chad Vader's New Year's Message

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I'll Have The Big Breakfast, Please

2007-03-02T08:24:00.000+11:00

A woman I work with told me yesterday that her 17 year-old son is currently going through a bit of a growth spurt. Actually, he's been going through it for about two years now, and she's hoping he'll grow out of it soon. It's sending her shopping budget through the roof.

Each morning for breakfast, he has 14 Weet-Bix and a litre of soy milk.

Yes, you read that correctly.

And then, after a full day at school, eating a normal amount of food and playing sport, he comes home and eats a packet of crumpets for afternoon tea (which is either six or eight of the things, depending on the brand), and then a huge dinner as well.

She also has a teenage daughter and a son who's just reaching puberty now. I fear for her when the second son starts to develop a massive appetite like his brother. Hopefully for her she'll only have one of them eating like that at a time. Imagine if they were both eating that much! That'd be 14 litres of milk a week just for her two sons and ONLY FOR BREAKFAST!

Is this what I have to look forward to when Sweetums reaches puberty? I'd better start saving for it now ...

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It's Common Sense, Actually

2007-03-01T09:50:00.000+11:00

In the past two weeks of Ms Fits' Friday Q&A, and in the comments to my previous post, there STILL seems to be some confusion (or in at least one case, rebellion) as to how to correctly pronounce and think-pronounce my Blogger moniker, "BEVIS".

So in the interests of NOT PISSING ME OFF (remember, I really hate being called Beavis, and I'm not joking), allow me to take a moment to break it down for you and show you how strange and bizarre your misconception actually is.

-------------------------

The word "BEVIS" is pronounced "Beh-viss". If that's not how you already thought it should be pronounced, then the word you're thinking of is spelt "Beavis".

Mine is actually the logical pronunciation; I'm amazed at how many people think it should be pronounced "Beavis". Look at these words for comparison:

Bevy of beauties
Beverage
Beverly
Tax levy
I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was dry
Crevice

None of those words are pronouced as if they have an A before the V. Whereas:

Beaver
Heave
Leave
Weave

Remember the basic primary school rule? "An E on the end makes the vowel in the middle say its name." That's why "heave", "leave" and "weave" all require the EA to sound like you're saying the letter E by its name. However, "BEVIS" has no E on the end for the same rule to apply; therefore making the E in "BEVIS" to be pronounced "eh".

Therefore I repeat: Anyone who thinks "BEVIS" should be pronounced as "Beavis" will henceforth be referred to as "Butt-Head".

It's quite simple, really - so get it right, people. DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE, etc.

(But I still love youse all.)

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50,000 Hits!

2007-02-23T08:38:00.000+11:00

No, I'm not talking about a Beatles "Best Of" album; I'm talking about the number of visits this blog has received since 10th August, 2005.

As I type this, the counter's sitting at 49,983 - and I'm sure that by publishing this post, the counter will clock over the all-important* 50,000 mark.

I'd just like to thank you all for your comments (good and bad), your commitment, and above all your companionship as I've undertaken this journey. We've been travelling partners together, you and I, and I look forward to many more clicks together.

My apologies for my somewhat sporadic posting of late. There's been a really major job at work that I've been in charge of and has been taking all my time (leaving me exhausted after hours and needing to spend all possible time with Wifey and Sweetums), but the good news is that it looks like this task will finally be completed either today or Monday. So from next week, things should pick up around here.

Until then, have a great weekend and enjoy watching the counter on the right climb steadily throughout the day.

(Go on - I can think of no better way to spend eight hours of your boss' time.)

* ie. Not at all important or in any way significant.

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How HOT Is It?!!

2007-02-20T20:51:00.000+11:00

I took this photo of an ice cream truck (a "Mr Whippy" van) in suburban Melbourne on the weekend during our 38 degree Celsius heatwave.

I'm not kidding - it was THIS hot.

It's crazy.

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You LOVE Me; You Really LOVE Me!!

2007-02-19T00:03:00.000+11:00

Like many people (at least 150), I waded through the Valentine's Day lift-out of the Herald Sun in Melbourne last Wednesday morning. I was having a look to see if Wifey and/or any of you lovely readers of this blog had left a special message for me to find.

And I found this:

So, 'Roly'? My thanks to you. Whoever you are.

But then I saw this alarming indication that 'BJ' and 'Bubbles' are apparently planning a joint suicide on the 3rd of March. And it looks like they might be taking their baby ('Onion') out with them. Not exactly what you want to see as you flick through such loving and thoughtful messages of adoration on a Wednesday morning.

But that's not all - there was also this slightly scary notice from a friendly stalker who simply won't take 'no' for an answer:

And this one just irritated the pants off me. If you're going to submit a message to a major national newspaper to show how much you love your sweetheart, perhaps it'd be a wise idea to have someone check over your spelling and grammar for you first - so you don't look like an uneducated child.

Maybe this was an uneducated child; but either way, Lino is a First Class Dolt. You're missing two apostrophes, a comma and an E, there, buddy. (Also: Ewww! Too much information!)

These examples were all on the same page, so it was enough to prevent me from searching through the lift-out any further. I don't need other peoples' lives to depress me - I've got my own for that!

Anyway, I didn't want to stomp on what I knew would be Ms Fits' material that same day.

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Let's Play "Guess Who"

2007-02-16T00:10:00.000+11:00

Guess who I was sitting next to in traffic a couple of weeks ago! You'll never guess, but go on; try.

*waits impatiently*

This isn't really gonna work if I wait in 'Compose' mode for answers to come in, so I'll give you one little hint:

one little hint

That's right, Neighbours' bad boy Paul Robinson himself, Stefan Dennis. He was sitting there, listening to the radio and smiling to himself. He looked content. He looked peaceful. He looked happy. Maybe he'd just run over a kitten or something.

Oh, no ... that's right. The characters aren't real. I keep forgetting.

Anyway, he's one of my favourites on the show (the others being Karl, Susan, Toadie, Rosetta and Frazer), so it was quite a thrill to see that the richest man in Erinsborough was in the lane right next to me -- and that he has to drive himself to work in the mornings like everybody else.

If you're interested, email me and I'll tell you what his licence plate number is.*

* Not really. I don't want Snr Sgt Allan Steiger coming after me.

(Oh yeah, of course. Not real. Got it.)

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V Day

2007-02-15T09:04:00.000+11:00

So did everybody have a good Valentine's Day?

...

Excellent. (Although, next time, please don't all talk at once.)

As some of you know, I won an iPod in an online competition, and last night I presented it to Wifey, all wrapped up nicely and sitting in a presentation box. I even used a big purple ribbon!

She loved it! She was delighted. Compared to other years, we agreed not to spend anything on each other this Valentine's Day (with the exception of getting some delicious take away Thai food for dinner so neither of us had to cook). This was due to our limited financial situation at the moment (not because we're against Valentine's Day or anything). So when Wifey opened her iPod, she was quite overwhelmed. I explained that I'd won it online (actually, she guessed before I'd even told her because she remembered me entering the comp), so our 'non-spending' pact was not broken.

I hope other people were lavished upon (or did the lavishing).

If you're single or otherwise anti-V Day, then I hope you had a happy Totally Normal Day Of February.

x

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Muppet Question # 21 Answered

2007-02-09T11:27:00.000+11:00

On Tuesday, 6th February, 2007 at 8:56:37 AM, Spankk emailed me and said ...

Who would you say the most famous guest they ever had on the Muppet Show was?

That's a hard question to answer; largely because it depends on whether you meant 'most famous' in relation to the time the episodes went to air, or in terms of today. It is also a subjective notion in regards to what part of the world you hail from.

And of course it's all relative anyway, according to individual tastes.

For my money, it'd have to be one of the following: Steve Martin, Christopher Reeve, Julie Andrew, Bob Hope, Raquel Welch or John Cleese.

However, it's highly likely that everyone reading this will have a different opinion, so here's a story in pictures of just some* of the most famous special guests ever to feature on The Muppet Show:

* "some" = 75

The Cast of Star Wars

Alan Arkin

Alice Cooper

Andy Williams

Bernadette Peters

Bob Hope

Brooke Shields

Candice Bergen

Carol Burnett

Candice's father Edgar Bergen (and his famous
ventriloquist-dummy partner, Charlie McCarthy)

Cheryl Ladd

Christopher Reeve

Cloris Leachman

Connie Stevens

Roy Rogers and his wife Dale Evans

Danny Kaye

Debbie Harry

Diana Ross

Dizzy Gillespie

Dom DeLuise

Don Knotts

Dudley Moore

Elton John

Ethel Merman

Florence Henderson (Carol Brady)

Gene Kelly

George Burns

Gilda Radner

Glenda Jackson

Harry Belafonte

Helen Reddy
(incidentally the only Aussie on the list)

James Coburn

Jean Stapleton

Jim Nabors

Joan Baez

Joel Grey

John Cleese

John Denver

Johnny Cash

Jonathan Winters

Julie Andrews

Kenny Rogers

Leo Sayer
(now residing in Australia)

Lesley Ann Warren

Liberace

Linda Ronstadt

Liza Minnelli

Loretta Swit

Lynda Carter

Lynn Redgrave

Madeline Kahn

Marty Feldman

Milton Berle

Paul Simon

Paul Williams

Peter Sellers

Peter Ustinov

Phyllis Diller

Raquel Welch

Rich Little

Kris Kristofferson and then-wife Rita Coolidge

Roger Moore

Rudolf Nureyev

Ruth Buzzi

Señor Wences

Shirley Bassey

Spike Milligan

Steve Martin

Sylvester Stallone

Tony Randall

Twiggy

Valerie Harper

Victor Borge

Vincent Price

Zero Mostel

So how does my list compare with yours, gentle readers? Anyone I've left off this list that you'd like to contest? Or is the person you deem "most famous" amongst the smiling faces above?

.

Muppet Question # 20 Answered

2007-02-08T19:32:00.000+11:00

On Tuesday, 23rd January, 2007 at 12:30:55 AM, Crystal said ...

Whatever has happened to Paul Williams ?

For those of you who don't know, Paul Williams is a composer who worked on many Muppet projects. He appeared on The Muppet Show basically because he and Jim Henson were buddies, and is arguably most famous for co-writing "The Rainbow Connection", one of Kermit's three signature songs (the other two being "It's Not Easy Being Green" and "Happy Feet").

Composer Paul Williams (middle) when he
guest-starred on The Muppet Show in 1976 ...

Some of his other famous compositions include "We've Only Just Begun," "Nice to Be Around," "An Old Fashioned Love Song," "Evergreen," "I Won't Last a Day Without You," "You and Me Against the World," and "Rainy Days and Mondays."

He is also an actor and singer, playing roles as diverse as the genius ape Virgil in Battle For the Planet of the Apes (1973), to voicing The Penguin on Batman: The Animated Series (1992 - 1995). He has appeared on such diverse TV shows as Fantasy Island, Hawaii Five-O, The Odd Couple, The Love Boat, Picket Fences and Babylon 5.

According to Wikipedia, Paul is a member of the Songwriters Hall of Fame, and his songs have been performed by both pop and country music artists. He's won an Academy Award, two Grammy Awards and several Golden Globes.

Perhaps most surprisingly, he recently helped the Scissor Sisters with some of the songs on their latest album, Ta-Dah.

... and Paul Williams now.
Time hasn't been kind to him.

Despite the above photo, Paul is certainly not dead, and continues to provide the world with his own unique brand of music.

.

I'll SHOOT You In The FOOT!!

2007-02-07T12:28:00.000+11:00

... or ...

"Road Rage Retaliation"

Gather 'round, my children. Uncle BEVIS has a little story to tell. It'll warm the cockles of your hearts; it'll roast the soles of your feet; it'll tickle the ivories of your grand piano ...

This is actually taken from an email I wrote back in 1997 or so, which I sent out to a bunch of friends. I reproduce it here now for your enjoyment, with only the slightest of editing so as to protect the guilty.

----------------------------------------

Yesterday, tired, leaving work at 4:45pm, I pulled up at the exit from my workplace onto the main road, and looked right, into the oncoming traffic, for a gap so that I could pull out onto the road. I think you'll agree, fairly normal behaviour.

HOWEVER! Upon seeing a white van approximately 90 to 100 metres away, leaving an otherwise clear and substantial gap in the left lane, I pulled out into said lane and proceeded to drive forward in a upwardly mobile direction. I think you'll agree, fairly normal behaviour.

HOWEVER! The white van did not slow down in the slightest. In fact, the damn fool driver was a little annoyed, it would seem, with my arrival in his lane. So he decided to flash his lights, beep his horn, and swear for all he was worth at the top of his voice. I could even hear his voice over the engines of the very-busy traffic, my air conditioner, and his horn, which he kept blasting at me for a long time. He also thought it would be clever to drive approximately 10 centimetres from my rear bumper. And I promise you I am not exaggerating! He did this all the way up the main road for about four kilometres (approximately 739 miles*).

* Not really.

In an attempt to get him to back off, I subscribed to the age-old indication of tail-riding annoyance. I braked suddenly (but only for a second) to get him to back off. But this only angered him further.

After I changed into the middle lane, he pulled up alongside me on my left (both of us still going at 80km/hour), wound down his window, screamed further abuse at me, grabbed a steel bar from inside his van, and proceeded to smash my side mirror off! Until it was no more!

So that was nice.

Amazed at his audacity -- it was broad daylight, I remind you! -- I watched him pull up at the lights in front and to the left of me, still leaning out his window and yelling abuse back at me. I couldn't believe what he'd done. I wrote down his number plate, but quickly realised that nothing worthwhile would come of reporting him. What was it? A twenty dollar mirror? Anyway, as we'd been driving along when he'd done it, I knew no one else had probably witnessed it. And anyone who had would likely keep quiet, because he was a scary-looking guy. But I decided I wouldn't be letting it go at that. I knew I had to take a stand for victims of Road Rage the world over. I'd had enough. I had snapped. I had gone over the edge.

I had a gun.

Yes, for some reason I had in my glove compartment a black plastic gun that a friend had given me some years ago. It looks very real and even shoots pellets (I haven't got any, though). Well, I've kept it in my glove compartment ever since a totally unjustifiable road rage incident a year or more ago. And my mind went to it now.

Let me take a moment out of this exciting narrative to describe the van driver. He was big. He was bald. He was mean. He had dark sunglasses on, was huge across the shoulders, and had VERY muscly arms. A total meathead whose entire family had one brain cell to share, and which was currently being used by his mother. A moron.

The van driver looked like this ...

So, in true "No one out-does BEVIS!!" fashion, I made up my mind to scare the crap out of this son-of-his-mother. (And yes, I AM pretty proud of how this story turns out!)

Finding courage and stubbornness flooding through me by this point, I pulled in behind him when the traffic started moving again, and followed him. I didn't tail-gate him, but I was close behind him nonetheless. And guess where he turned off the main road? He turned into a street on which I used to live. Excellent.

As he turned off, assuming I was going to keep driving, he gave me the finger out his window. But I followed him. He wasn't expecting that!

He drove slightly past my old house (it was lovely to see it again!) and turned right into a 'No Through Road' street just a few metres further along the street.

... and I looked like this.

Our dear friend the Meathead pulled into a driveway. So I parked across the road from the driveway and got out of the car. There was a knee-high brick fence along the driver's side of the driveway, and the Meathead had pulled far enough into the driveway for the little fence to come all the way past the end of his van. (This fence becomes more important a little later.)

He got out of the van with a parcel in his hand, and I could now tell that he was a courier. The van was unmarked, and he wasn't wearing a uniform (not that he was naked...), but he had a parcel and a clipboard. And it was at this point that we partook in a delightful little exchange. I repeat it for you now (and you should all know me well enough to trust that it's PRECISELY verbatim!):

Meathead: (With contempt) "How ya goin' mate!"

BEVIS: (Justifiably annoyed) "Yeah, hi."

Meathead: "It's not my f***ing house, mate."

BEVIS: "I don't care about that, I was just wonderin' if you were going to offer to pay for the mirror."

Meathead: "I'm not payin' for any f***in' mirror! If you're f***in' stupid enough to brake in front of me, you deserve everything you f***in' get!"

BEVIS: "Riiiiight..."

Meathead: "Tell your insurance company to get the cops onto me, if ya want."

BEVIS: "Nah, that's alright, I'll just shoot you in the foot." (Then I turned and started walking back to my car.)

Meathead (scoffing incredulously): "What?!"

BEVIS (turning back and taking great pleasure in yelling at Meathead like he's a stupid child): "I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FOOT!!"

This was met with startled silence. Looking back, I think it was the fact that some weedy little character had clearly gone over the edge, and big, beefy Meathead was unused to someone he'd antogonised actually getting mad and threatening him in return. He didn't say anything to me from this moment on, and I believe it's because of his uncertainty in my mental state (I'd really gone to town screaming my last line at him). He just couldn't be sure about me, or what I was going to do. Had he bitten off more than he could chew? He certainly had a big enough gut to swallow it, but maybe he'd choke on it first! (Sorry, I was having fun with that analogy!...)

The realistic-looking toy gun.

Anyway, while he stood on the doorstep in stunned silence, waiting for someone to take his parcel (no one came to the door; whether they weren't home or heard the yelling and wouldn't come to the door, I don't know), I walked back to my car, opened the door, sat down, and picked up the gun. I held it side on, so that he could see its profile, and I have to assure you it would have looked very real to him from where he was standing. I cocked the gun, and reached over into my
glove compartment for two licorice bullets. Black, rectangular objects that were the right shape and size! I pretended to load them into the gun, and snapped the back of the gun back into place in anger. I was acting more angry than I really was by now, enjoying the feeling of teaching this guy a lesson.

Not averse to a bit of acting, I was truly relishing in the role of 'crazed guy who has been pushed too far and something in his mind has snapped'. I felt the fury come to the boil, and I didn't fight it. I rode the wave of anger, knowing that the whole image was keeping him on the back foot.

I stood up and watched him, my gun by my side, but still showing him its profile in my hand. He put the parcel down and walked quickly to the van. I didn't want to let it go at that, so I yelled out, slightly crazily: "You messed with the WRONG maniac THIS time!!" He didn't respond. He just jumped into the van quickly, and started it up.

Another shot of a similar toy gun.

It was then that I thought he might reverse into me intentionally (although looking back at it now I know he wouldn't have - I had seriously scared him), so I started my car, drove to the next driveway, turned around, and sat there, waiting for him to reverse out first. When he saw that I planned to keep following him, he was clearly rattled.

Quite unsettled at this point, he reversed out of the driveway hurriedly. TOO hurriedly! Remember the small brick fence? He turned his van too quickly as he reversed, and collected the last metre or so of it, knocking it over. I didn't laugh at that, though (although I DO confess to feeling very satisfied at this new turn of events). He'd now caused more damage to the brick fence and his boss's van than he had to my twenty dollar mirror. And maybe he'd learnt a lesson along the way. (You see? I'd merely done a community service.)

Anyway, as he got out of the van to write a note (presumably to the owner of the house), I drove past him. Without looking, he gave me the finger again, over his shoulder. But I wasn't about to let him get in the last word. I made a big show of screeching to a halt, and reversing my car very noisily - really for show. As I said, I was acting now more than I was really angry. I was reveling in my new role of dominator - and he was new to him role of scaredy-cat!

Stopping my car next to him, I just sat there looking at him. But he didn't even look up at me. He had been writing a note, standing up and leaning on the driver's seat, but now he closed the door and walked around in front of the van. Where I couldn't shoot him!! I was pretty amused at that!

So I drove off. But by now I was having too much fun. I owed it to my brothers- and sisters-in-arms - all those who've fallen victim to pathetically unjustifiable road rage morons - to follow this through to the very end. So I turned the wrong way up the street, turned the car around, and parked just before the street Meathead was still in.

Two minutes later, Meathead drove up and saw me sitting right there waiting. And the moment was priceless! His face fell a little. He was dealing with a mad man! He'd certainly messed with the wrong maniac this time, as a very wise man once said.

He turned into the street and started heading back towards the main road - and I followed close (but not TOO close) behind. When we got back to the main road, we both pulled out into the middle lane. Now, I was due to turn left at the next big intersection, but I thought "Ah, what the hell! I've got a couple of hours spare, and I'm enjoying myself too much now to leave it alone!", so I stayed with him when he stopped in traffic at the lights. I sat there, smiling at him in his mirrors, until the traffic started to creep up behind us. Then he quickly pulled into the left lane in an attempt to lose me by swapping lanes. He was trying to put other cars between us, and I suddenly thought this might just get silly and dangerous, so I got bored and decided to go home anyway. So as he pulled into the left lane, I pulled into the left-turning lane and swept past him, flashing my light and waving.

But he didn't see me turn off, and the last I saw him, he was panicking and trying to get left before I did, pushing in front of other drivers in his attempt to do so. Silly Meathead! He didn't even know I wasn't there!

As I drove home, I realised that I felt largely appeased by what had happened, and rather enjoyed my stint as cowboy. It felt like the end of a movie, where the underdog finally comes good, and overcomes and maybe even humiliates the big, nasty bully.

Still, all that said, I don't really mean to glorify what I did. I just wanted to share it with you!

And before some of you try to warn me -- yes, I know he could have been writing down my number plate 'cos I "pulled a gun" on him, but I really doubt he'd try to report the incident if an investigation would reveal that he had not only started it, but he'd driven dangerously and damaged my car to boot.

Or to 'side mirror', anyway...

And I lived happily ever after. Amen. I hope you enjoyed the story. I think you'll agree, fairly normal behaviour.

Uncle BEVIS

----------------------------------------

Although I freely admit that it wasn't the best (or wisest) way to behave, I certainly felt like I'd taken a bit of revenge against road ragers on behalf of all those who've ever been abused on the road and sat fuming in their own anger, unable to do anything about it. I think our friend the Meathead would have thought twice about who he screamed at, intimidated and bullied from that day on. (You never know who might be carrying a gun!) And I don't think he'd have smashed anyone else's side mirror off their car! Plus, his boss may not have been too happy about the van knocking over the brick fence. Who knows how many people have benefited (through the flow-on effect) from the day I single-handedly changed Meathead's demeanor and made him a far more pleasant driver?

No - there's no need to thank me.

.

Sweetums Update # 3

2007-02-04T22:46:00.000+11:00

--> WITH BONUS WIFEY & BEVIS UPDATE, AS REQUESTED! <--

Hello everyone. My last post was a bit lengthy, so I'll try to keep this one brief.

My parents, brother and brother's girlfriend have just touched down in Sydney after spending a three-day weekend here in Melbourne with us. We all had a lovely time, and it was great for Sweetums to spend some quality bonding time with his Sydney-based grandparents.

In my last Sweetums Update, I told you how he was already nearly crawling. Well, tomorrow marks Sweetums' four-month birthday (anniversary?), and he's done the following things in the past few weeks:

- Rolled all the way over when lying on his back;

- Nearly dragged himself along his playmat (the only thing holding him back is that he favours his left arm, forgetting that he has another to help pull himself along);

- Created a game with Daddy that involves him bouncing himself up and down in his bouncenette (pulling on Daddy's thumbs to bounce himself in his chair), laughing near-hysterically with Daddy as Daddy sings, "Doop-de-doop-de-doo!" over and over; and

- Kicked at his musical kick-toy (the thing plays music when he kicks it), which has resulted in him kicking like crazy whenever he hears any kind of music playing (presumably because he thinks he's creating the music!).

He's very precious - but I don't have to tell you that.

He has reached the stage where he recognises Mummy and Daddy (which is lovely), and therefore he also recognises that everyone else he sees is not Mummy or Daddy (which is not so great - because of the tears). He had his second injection the other day, and his immediate cries were suddenly silenced when he was put back into Mummy's arms.

He went through about two weeks where he was sleeping through the nights (from his 10:30pm feed to his 7am feed) ... but with the recent bout of heat and everything, he seems to have stopped this. At least for the moment.

--> BONUS WIFEY UPDATE! <--

Wifey has really been growing into motherhood in a very good way. I hope that doesn't sound condescending or anything, because I mean it quite fondly and respectfully. She has shown that her motherly instincts are spot-on and her care and love for Sweetums is developing daily into an unbreakable mother-son bond.

It makes me very proud to say that Wifey has demonstrated her giving nature each and every day when it comes to looking after Sweetums. If not for her, there is no doubt in my mind that I never would have survived these past four months as a new parent. Her way of soothing Sweetums when he's over-tired, troubled or hungry is amazing. Her ability to sense his moods and give him what he needs to calm him down is astounding. And her compassion when dealing with Sweetums' dunderhead father is nothing short of miraculous.

With each passing day, she gives me new reasons to love her more and more. She is a super woman.

--> EVEN BONUSER BEVIS UPDATE! <--

In addition to tomorrow being Sweetums' four-month birthday, Monday 5th February 2007 also marks the point that I'll officially be going full-time in my new job. It's been a blessing to work four days a week up until this point (largely due to getting an extra day at home with Wifey and Sweetums), but our cashflow has been limited of late - so having an extra fifth of my income for working five days a week is going to be very helpful. I've considered myself extremely fortunate to have had an extra day off each week over these past four months, enjoying my Fridays (which were later changed to Wednesdays) at home with Sweetums in addition to the weekend.

It's also a great sign that the people at work are happy with me. I breezed through my three-month review the other month, was promoted to the head of my area in December (as you may recall), and have now been 'upgraded' to five days a week. The people at my workplace are still great (no one's turned evil on me yet), and last week some of the longer-term tasks I was working on when I started there (back in September) began showing the fruits of our labour. It was really encouraging seeing them come to fruition like that, and hopefully things will continue to go strong there.

In other news, I recently won an iPod in an online competition and will be giving it to Wifey as a surprise when it gets here (so if you know her in person ... don't say anything!). I know she won't check this blog (she hasn't in quite a while, due to being somewhat busy at home!), but I also know Wifey's wanted an iPod for ages now. I won an iPod nano and know she's going to be thrilled. Our finances haven't stretched far enough for me to buy her one ... and now I don't have to!

I never win anything, either ... so when I got the email telling me I'd won, I wanted to burst with happiness! But I couldn't mention it to Wifey. I blurted out my good news on Ms Fits' Friday Q&A session instead.

But good on me, and stuff.

.

So Who Are The People In My Neighbourhood?

2007-01-31T16:02:00.000+11:00

”They’re the people that you meet / when you’re walking down the street / They’re the people that you meet each day.”

As delightful and chirpy as it may sound when Sesame Street veteran Bob McGrath happily sings the above song on TV, it doesn’t quite live up to the reality … at least not in my neighbourhood.

Let’s start with the people who live in the three units behind our house. We own (courtesy of the bank’s mortgage) the original house on the property, but the three units behind us were added at some point in the 70s. In Unit 2 lives an old woman who’s generally pretty good as a neighbour; she’s also an owner-occupier. In Unit 3 lives a young guy (a renter) who recently moved his girlfriend/fiancée in with him. In Unit 4 lives another old woman who’s also an owner-occupier. More on each of them later. But to start with, let’s consider them as a group.

The woman who lives in Unit 2

Wednesday night is bin night (note to self: Wednesday night is bin night), and each week, WITHOUT FAIL, the young renting guy and the two old woman who make up our back-neighbours bring their bins out and place them directly underneath the tree on the nature strip.

Sound fair enough? Well, not if you know the whole picture and think it through. It’s a large tree with low-hanging branches … and our rubbish is collected by a side-loading rubbish truck on Thursday mornings. Think about that for a moment. Why do these three never realise that they’re forcing the garbage truck to lift their bins directly into the overhanging branches of the big tree? Because I’m the lucky duck who lives at the front of the property, I’m the one who’s always left to pick up the broken branches off the nature strip and footpath on Thursday evenings when I get home and place them in MY green bin. The others all come along, take their bins away (although this can take almost a full week with the renting guy and the woman in Unit 4), and NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE that where they’re leaving their bins is causing problems for the garbage collectors, broken branches for the tree, and clean-up work for me! I always place my bin on the ‘uncovered’ section of the property frontage – a whole two metres further along from where the others place theirs – and have never had any problems. How difficult is it to see the stupidity of where they all leave their bins?! What does it take? A note from the weirdo in Unit 1 telling them all they’re idiots for leaving their bins under a tree and leaving ME to clean up the mess they make? I might be annoyed about it, but I don’t want to be universally loathed over it.

Pretty little bins, all in a row

Next we take a look at our letterboxes. All four of our letterboxes are built into the same brickwork, and the mortar in the thing has all-but-rotted away, allowing for the backs of our letterboxes to break off. The mailman (bless him) is anything but careful when he stuffs our letters into the things, and has been responsible for breaking three of the four letterboxes, mine included (naturally). He’s been known to fold and scrunch our mail (I’m not talking about toilet paper habits, here) and force it into the slot until it all falls out the back and starts to blow around the yard and out onto the street. He seems fine with this. It drives me nuts.

”NEWMAN!!”

Back to the residents of the units behind us: The renters in Unit 3 are the sorts of people who give renters around the globe a bad name. They have friends over at all hours, who then walk down to their cars in the street in the middle of the night, completely disregarding the units they’re walking past, yelling and laughing at the top of their voices and beeping their horns as they squeal away – at 3am.

The couple in Unit 3

The guy (who has lived there now for over a year) used to drive a small truck; the sort of moving truck you can hire for yourself for the weekend. And instead of parking it on the street like a sensible person, he used to drive it up the communal driveway, breaking branches off all the trees and shrubs that line the driveway, and then wake us all at 6am when he reversed back down to the street with the loud BEEP-BEEP-BEEP noise that reversing trucks make. Thankfully, he no longer drives the truck.*

* And I SWEAR I had nothing to do with slashing the tyres!

Additionally, the renting guy’s fiancée is a cantankerous soul. We recently had some problems with the communal sewer line. Somewhere out in the nature strip a tree root had broken through the pipe and was blocking the contents from swimming happily away. Instead, it was backing up and overflowing in our backyard (another delightful consequence of living in the first unit). This meant that our backyard was slowly filling up with toilet paper and human waste every time someone in any of the four units flushed their toilet or used any water. The smell of fecal matter was quite repulsive and getting stronger by the hour. When the plumber told us he’d be out the following day, I politely told the residents about the problem and asked them to see what they could do about keeping their water usage to a minimum until the next morning. Everyone was okay with this except the fiancée of the guy in Unit 3, who snapped at me that she’d be using the water however much she damn well wanted; I couldn’t expect her not to shower in the morning and use the dishwasher at night. I didn’t react, but it made me mad. Using the dishwasher is a necessity?! Even going one morning without a shower wouldn’t hurt you. But I hadn’t even asked for anything specific to be skipped, so her carelessness and inconsideration of the position the three units were placing us in with our backyard had me incensed. Her attitude was completely unreasonable. I’d like to see how she’d have coped if (a) she was the one in the front unit at the time, and (b) she owned the place rather than rented it. She’d have been screaming bloody murder at the rest of us to move into a hotel until it was fixed, rather than go to the toilet and have the pipes spew the contents up onto our back patio and grass area. Especially not when we’ve got two cats, who are curious by nature. True, the grass grew nice and strong in the weeks after the pipe was fixed.

”I’ll put the dishwasher on if I bloody well want to!”

Another anecdote that relates to the deadbeat renter in Unit 3 is that he’s had a deadbeat car sitting idle in the street since September. It died for some reason and was wheeled down the communal driveway and onto the road by himself and a friend (I saw him doing it), and it has been there ever since. Being a safe and secure sort of neighbourhood, within a week the back window on the driver’s side had been smashed in, and presumably some items were stolen (or perhaps the thieves had hopes of driving off in the vehicle until they realised it wouldn’t start). In any event, for about a week it sat there with a smashed rear window, shattered glass sprinkled on the road around it and jagged shards of glass sticking out of the window frame. Eventually, he came down and cleaned up the glass, but the car – complete with smashed in rear window – has not moved since. This includes the rainstorms we’ve had, the hail on Christmas Day, and the intense heat of this summer. Possums are probably using the car as shelter during the night, and I’m sure the occasional passing drunks (see below) have had their merry way with the vehicle from time to time. I’ve noticed that the rego runs out in March, so if it’s still there then, I’ll be making an anonymous call to the council. It’s in the way and it’s a useless rust bucket that should have been dealt with months ago.

Anybody wanna buy a used car?

Because I’m a funny guy, I placed a note under the wiperblade the other day that read: “Dear owner, I’m not sure if you know this, but your rear window has been smashed.” (Remember, it hasn’t moved for over five months.) I’m sure the subtleties of the understatement will be lost on him.

The house to our left (as we look out towards the street) is owned by a mysterious older couple who never seem to venture outside. It’s possible that one or both of them are dead. The only interaction I’ve ever had with them is when I chased their cat (a feral mongrel who attacks our lovely peaceful cats in our own backyard) back onto his property. I didn’t actually encounter them, but they knew I was there. I was fuming mad (their cat had caused $150 worth of damage to my male cat’s eye – and he nearly lost his sight – after it attacked him outside our backdoor), but the feral cat’s owners had no idea and obviously didn’t care if their pet was terrorising the neighbourhood. I love cats, but I hate feral cats. Like the renters in Unit 3 who give all renters a bad name, it’s feral cats like this one that make non-cat owners loathe ALL cats, which is highly unfair because I’ve only ever owned gorgeous cats who were loving and obedient and considerate and wonderful. My cats stay in our backyard, and they don’t go out hunting animals and/or causing a nuisance in other people’s yards. I spent many an evening as I put special ointment in my injured cat’s eye for three months, dreaming of somehow trapping the feral cat in a cage and pouring boiling water over it.

Bad doggie

I’d love to have let the feral cat’s owners have a piece of my mind – as a cat lover, I hated how their poor ‘parenting’ of their cat was making matters worse for cat haters and cat lovers everywhere – but again, I didn’t want to go overboard and have my house egged when I wasn’t home.

The house to our right is occupied by a young woman who likes to keep to herself and not talk to anyone. Our communal driveway separates her nature strip from our nature strip, and she’s quite adament that nothing of ours is ever place on her side of the driveway. Once, one of my neighbours from the units behind me (I don’t know which one) placed their bin out on the curb for collection, slightly to the RIGHT of our driveway (ie. technically on her section of nature strip by about thirty centimetres). I noticed it there and remembering wondering if that would be the beginning of the end for the broken tree branches on a Thursday morning (even if whoever it was hadn’t bothered to walk it a few metres further to left, in front of our own property). About half an hour later, when I brought my own bin out, I was amused to note that the bin had been moved to the middle of our driveway, and her bin was now where the other bad been. In other words, she had decided to make a very definite statement about how welcome our bins were on her side of the driveway. She’d actually gone to the trouble of bringing her bin all the way from her own driveway, across the entire length of her property, just so she could pointedly place it on the spot where the other bin had been sitting. And just in case the lesson had been missed, she moved the offending bin into the middle of our driveway, where it would no doubt catch our attention (or damage our cars if we didn’t notice it in time). Because I wasn’t part of this little argument, I took great pleasure in making matters worse by turning her bin around in the dead of night so the truck couldn’t pick it up the following morning. I don’t actually know what became of that incident, but there were never any follow-on effects of her little spat with the bins. I presume she was irked by her bin not being emptied that week, but I only did it to amuse myself by making someone who’s angry a little bit angrier. She probably presumed it was whoever’s bin she’d moved, but couldn’t prove it so she had to let it be.

She doesn’t like to be seen (always shutting her blinds when we’re out the front), and sings quite loudly when she’s in the shower. We can hear her through her tiny bathroom window; I don’t peek.

”Don’t look at me!”

Snobby neighbours aside, our street is also often graced with a rowdy group a passing drunks. Usually – but not exclusively – passing through on weekends, this group of seven or eight morons in their late teens to early twenties will use our street to cut through to the local 24-hour bottle shop from where they live, which I think is just a few streets away. That’s fine, I’m not a total crank, but when their trips lead them up our street in the dead of night, and they continue to completely disregard that anyone on the quiet street may actually be sleeping at 4am, it really gets me angry. Especially when they’re either yelling obscenities at each other, laughing and mucking around, or (occasionally) involved in a domestic dispute.

”I can’t wait until we’re old enough to vote!”

That’s right, there’s often at least one girl with them (her shrill and piercing voice is clearly identified over the guys’ voices), and once in a while she will be screaming for her life while one or more guys are seemingly pulling on her arms like they’re in a tug-o-war match. Never fear, I always listen to see if anyone’s in any trouble or at risk (so far no), but usually I’m just pissed off to be woken AGAIN by the same loud bunch of inconsiderate losers. If you want to drink all night and have a good time, I’m happy for you and have no problem with that. But if you’re going to meander through the streets of suburbia and wake everyone in your path (including Sunday nights, when people have to work the next day), then you’re a stupid, thoughtless individual who doesn’t deserve to live as part of Society – and perhaps you need to be neutered, just to make the point. (Don’t get in the way of my sleep!)

Closely related to the group of passing drunks (but not to be confused for them), is a young guy who surely lives with his family (although I’ve never noticed them) across the road from us and up two houses to the right. This young guy si constantly throwing parties, and his friends all fill the street with their cars and drunken ramblings late into the night. I generally don’t mind this as much as the passing drunks for two reasons: (1) They don’t stay there into the wee hours keeping us awake, and (2) I know where they live if sneaky retaliation is ever called for. But there was one exception about two years ago to me not minding this guy’s parties. The day one of his friends used our driveway to turn around, backed into my mate’s car (who was standing at the door with me as we watched the drunken kids say goodbye to each other in the street), and then tear off out of there instead of stopping. My mate (who happens to be a lawyer) was immediately on the phone to the police as I raced outside to try and get the kid’s licence plate number. All his mates were laughing hysterically at their friend for smashing a car and driving off … that is, until they saw me running towards them. Not realising, in their drunken state, that their voices were carrying down the quiet street at night (which is why my mate and I had been standing at our door watching them in the first place – we happened to be seeing what all the noise was as the accident occurred), they all started shhhing each other. I asked them for the name of their friend who’d just driven away, and one of them said, “What friend? I don’t know who that was.” This was the guy I’d seen bear-hugging the driver goodbye before he got in his car. It didn’t matter. My mate was talking to the police about the hit-and-run that had just happened, so I returned to my house, hearing the kids laughing and talking about “tricking that loser” as loudly and clearly as if I was standing right next to them. To his credit, the kid who lives there wasn’t in the street at the time, and moments later (obviously after someone filled him in on what had happened), he turned up at our door and apologised for the accident. When my mate told him the police were already on their way, the kid rang the driver on his mobile. As the mobile was so loud, we all heard the following exchange take place with crystal clarity:

Kid: Hey mate, what happened?

Driver: (laughing) I hit a car, man!

Kid: I know, are you coming back, dude?

Driver: No way! Mum’ll kill me!

Kid: Dude, you gotta come back, the owners are here with me.

Driver: Did they see it?

(At this point my mate and I laughed derisively – my mate in particular knowing how this conversation was stitching the driver up if the matter ever went to court. I’m not sure if the driver heard us laugh, but the kid in the room with us was visibly uncomfortable that we could hear the stupid things the driver was saying.)

Kid: Dude, yes they did. They’ve already called the cops. You gotta get back here.

Driver: <BEEP>! Okay, I’m coming.

In the end, the driver returned to the scene of the accident, but got there moments before the police (who wouldn’t cancel the call-out once it was made – we tried). In addition to hitting another car and driving away without stopping, he was charged with drunk driving (for he was, indeed, inebriated). Apparently he was driving his Mum’s fancy new car without her permission, so he was certainly going to pay for trying to speed off without stopping. Oh, and he wasn’t insured to be driving her BMW. The kid who lived there has held fewer parties than he used to, ever since this event took place, even though we wished him no personal ill and in fact thanked him for helping to get his friend back so my mate’s car could be fixed by the other driver’s insurance (although my mate’s insurance agency had to get the money for the repairs out of the driver’s parents). Obviously the kid knew that if he was hosting the party where the hit-and-run had happened, he’d be in trouble if he didn’t sort it out.

”Yo, party at my crib – tonight, ho!”

But I’ve saved the best two stories until last …

First, we have the crazy old woman who lives in Unit 4. There are multiple scenarios I’ll be talking about with her. She lives alone and enjoys telling you long-winded stories about how she used to be a psychologist and her children now live in Perth and Hobart. Unfortunately, it’s always the psychologists who go the most ‘loco’ in their old age*, and she’s no exception. To start with, she has dementia. Her children each live within five minutes of us, and have never at any stage lived in either Perth or Hobart. But you don’t want to get stuck talking to her in the driveway, because she doesn’t take the hint about ending a conversation. Once started, she has no memory of when or how it began, meaning that she will continue to talk to you – and often about the same thing – for hours and hours if you don’t get away from her, because she doesn’t know how long you’ve already been talking. She takes in stray cats (at last count we think she has about four), and locks them in her unit with her, never letting them out. As she has poor eyesight, a bad memory and apparently no sense of smell, she seems to be totally unaware that her unit stinks to high heaven of cat urine. On the few occasions I’ve had to go to her door to talk to her, I’ve been repulsed and felt physically sick by the smell emanating through her wire-screen door. It’s so thick you could cut it with a knife. I don’t know how the cats survive in there (maybe they actually don’t), but the poor things are clearly living in their own filth. Occasionally the smell follows her, so you can be standing on the street, having been trapped on the footpath as you got out of your car while she was out for a walk, and find yourself having to hold your breath while she rabbits on and on about absolutely nothing, … because her personal perfume of choice is Catzpish ™ - a smell I can heartily advise against anyone ever marketing.

* Source: “It’s Always The Psychologists Who Go The Most ‘Loco’” (Journal) edited by Dr Helen Back, published in 2004 by UNICEF.

Just the other week I was approached by the crazy old woman from Unit 4 who asked me about the water restrictions – what time could she water her garden? Now, you need to know that she doesn’t actually HAVE a garden. She has concrete and brick paving, with a few token flowers in pots next to her front door. But that doesn’t stop her from getting the hose out and watering the concrete non-stop for hours on end. We all know it’s due to her dementia and it’s no use trying to tell her (so we haven’t bothered, even though the water wastage upsets me no end), but clearly someone must have dobbed on her. The very fact that she knew there were water restrictions was a clear sign that someone had rung her up or posted her a warning. When I told her she could only water her ‘garden’ between 6pm and 8pm at night (and a couple of hours in the morning), she seemed aghast. After mentioning her son and daughter in Perth and Hobart again, she returned to the topic and again asked me what times she could water her garden. That’s the kind of conversation you normally have with her. So I went inside, photocopied the fridge magnet of water restriction information the government sent out, and took a copy of it up to her unit. Unfortunately this meant I was trapped in a never-ending looped conversation with her at her stinky doorway, but thankfully she couldn’t find her keys to unlock the door so I was spared being invited inside. I slid the sheet of water restriction information under the door, and as she read it, she asked the same question again about water her garden. Twice. After explaining it to her both times, I finally broke free of the conversation and walked back to the smell-free confines of my house … only to be interrupted two hours later by a knock at the front door. It was her again, asking me the same dam question about watering her garden. She had no memory of asking me the other four times, and didn’t know anything about the piece of paper I’d taken up to her a couple of hours earlier. Each time I told her the times were 6pm to 8pm, she repeated the times in amazement that anyone would have to wait that long to water their concrete and brick paving area. I pretended to share her amazement and shut the door.

The crazy old cat-wee lady from Unit 4

Clearly her dementia is a serious problem, and I’m not trying to make light of it. But with her grown children avoiding her at all costs (her daughter once told us they had to change their phone number because of all the ‘nuisance calls’ they were getting, as she indicated her mother with a nod of her head), it’s no wonder she think they live interstate. Their attitude is best summed up by something the daughter once told the woman in Unit 2: “We don’t want her to keep bothering us all the time; if something’s ever wrong, we hear about it from you.” This theory is all well and good until you consider that we’re her NEIGHBOURS and the daughter is her FAMILY! Why should WE be forced to deal with her daily problems? What happens when Unit 4 burns to the ground when a cat (trapped inside and starved because it hasn’t been fed in a week) knocks over a heater (that’s been left on for two months) onto a pile of papers (that are congregating in every available space in her unit) and she can’t find her keys to get out the front door? Not to mention the risk we’d all have of one unit burning to the next and taking them all down (at least mine is furthest away from hers!). Every time she has an issue, she comes to one of us instead of her family looking after her! There’s something wrong with that picture. I’m more-than-happy to be a caring neighbour (I believe that neighbours should be there for one another; that’s when good neighbours become good friends, after all), but when the woman’s own family wants nothing to do with her – and she’s clearly such a sick lady in serious need of constant care and (presumably) medication, they’ve really got to pull their finger out and deal with their own issues … rather than leaving them for the woman’s neighbours to cope with.

Finally, we have the family who moved in directly across the street from us. The family who lived there before them was a nice, quiet family who kept to themselves and never caused any issues in the street. Much like the Kennedy family. But the family who moved in is far, far worse than the Timmins family.

The mother is a chain-smoking drinker who only ever wears a dressing gown and screams at her kids on the front lawn to come inside and clean up. She never does any work herself, because she’s constantly sitting on the patio, drinking. The kids are actually bearable, although with the upbringing they’re getting, I worry for their futures. The husband is the pick of the litter. Obviously an ex-bikie, he is large, bald and mean. He owns four semi-trailers (yes, four), and parks two in their small driveway and two on the street. One constantly has a ‘4 Sale’ sign attached to it. He likes to sit in the truck’s cabin when he gets home from work, smoking a cigarette and revving the engine repeatedly, occasionally honking the horn when he wants someone to come out of the house and bring him a beer. He does this – quite seriously – for hours. We’ve seen him sit in his truck with the motor running (truck engines are LOUD, remember – even if you’re NOT blowing the horn for beer and skittles every half hour), from 4pm when he gets home from work, all the way through to 10pm when he finally went inside. I don’t know if he was having a fight with his wife or what it was, but it was disturbing to see the tiny red light of the cigarette ash burning away in the darkness all night long.

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!
“Honey, I think the guy across the street is home …”

Perhaps not surprisingly, he has a violent temper; we always hear him screaming at his wife and kids, and then storming out of the house to go sit in his truck for a few hours. He likes to blare the truck horn when he leaves at five in the morning, and he enjoys conducting welding work on his trucks in his driveway and on the street all through the weekend – sparks flying everywhere.

They are loud, obnoxious, scary, uncouth, … and house prices in the street have plummeted a good $100,000 or so since they moved in.

The only shot I could get of the big
mean bikie before he hurt me quite badly

Those are the people in my neighbourhood. Does the area sound familiar? Maybe I’m describing you and or someone from your family, above.

Please don’t get the idea that we spend all our time peering out our curtains at the neighbours like Mrs Kravitz from Bewitched. Clearly that’s not true. Wifey has to do it on her own until I get home from work and join her.

:)

[end rant]

(So … should we move?)

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Happy Australia Day!

2007-01-26T00:43:00.000+11:00

... especially all you non-Australians.

Have a great day, everyone. Kick back, relax, have a few drinks (if that's what you do).

But drink in moderation. Apparently if you have too much beer, it can leave you with a furry taste in your mouth. Particularly if you drink this brand:

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!

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Choose Your Own Blogventure

2007-01-24T14:52:00.000+11:00

I thought today I'd hand control of 'I Blogged Myself' over to you, the readership.

I have a few posts on the boiler at the moment, but I've been wondering what you most like to read about. I know for most of you it's not actually The Muppets, which is partly why I'm so delighted that you still pop in to read what I have to say.

So what'll it be? I'll keep the voting open until the end of the weekend, and the winning post will appear on Monday, 29th January 2007. Here are your choices:

* A Muppet-themed post.

* A rant about my neighbourhood.

* The cheeky Comment Moderation words Blogger has used.

* A Sweetums Update.

* A CD review.

* A TV meme.

* A post about road rage.

* A joke-image post.

* Other (please specify) *

There'll be an Australia Day post on Friday, but otherwise, look out for the winning post in the new week.

* I can't guarantee that I'll go with whatever's suggested under the title of 'Other'. But I may give it a shot. Depends on what it is. Judge's decision is final, and all that.

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Muppet Question # 19 Answered

2007-01-22T00:03:00.000+11:00

On Thursday, 18th January, 2007 at 7:43:34 PM, Gigglewick said ...

Bevis, I have a muppets related question:

Is the "gone with the schwinn" the worst gag the muppets ever?

Clearly I vote yes, keen to know if you concur.

Goodness me, no! There were many Muppet puns that were way worse than that! (For the uninformed, Kermit says the above line when he's riding his bicycle towards a steamroller, and manages to jump away just at the last moment - his bike being crushed behind him. He turns to the camera and says, "That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn", which is obviously a play on the famous film, Gone With The Wind. 'Schwinn' is a brand of bicycle.)

Kermit - seen here just moments before
he is almost "gone with the Schwinn".

For comparison's sake, how about some of these corny puns?

Fozzie: Oh, I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.
Dr Bunsen Honeydew: Well, then you'll just have to get another apartment, won't you?

Kermit (greeting Sweetums, who they believe to be called 'Jack', after watching him lift the front of a Volks Wagon and walk it away on its back wheels): Hi, Jack.
Sweetums: Jack not name! Jack: Job!

Kermit: It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation. This crowd's getting ugly.
Fozzie: If you think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.

Paul Simon (offering his help to Pops, who's struggling with the lever to the Muppet Theater trapdoor): "I know fifty ways to love your lever."

Kermit to Miss Piggy (who is known as 'Benjamina' in Muppet Treasure Island): "Don't cry for me, Benjamina."

Fozzie: "The drinks are on the house!"
(Everyone in the bar then runs up on to the roof,
searching in vain for the promised drinks.)

Telly Savalas (talking to his girlfriend about Kermit): "Careful, he'll give you warts!"
Kermit: "Uh, no. That's just a myth."
Telly Savalas: "Yeah, but she's my miss."
Kermit: "No: Myth! Myth!"
Female Passerby With A Prominent Lisp: "Yeth?"
(This joke is repeated later in the same film. Different location, same line, same random woman appearing out of nowhere, same prominent lisp.)

Kermit: "We're gonna have to catch the theives red-handed."
Gonzo: "What colour are their hands now?"
(Another running gag.)

Jeffery Tambor (to Gonzo): "You have no nostrils! How do you smell?"
Rizzo: "Terrible, believe me! I'm his roommate."

Fozzie (telling a joke): "Good grief, the comedian's a bear. -- No he's-a not! He's-a wearin' a neck tie!"

Rowlf the Dog: "I finish work, go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed."

Kermit: "It's no good complainin' and pointless to holler."
Rowlf: "If she's a beauty she'll get under your collar."

Mad scientist Mel Brooks to Miss Piggy,
moments before 'frying' Kermit's brain:
"Soon, you'll be bringing home the bacon!"

Rowlf: "Ah, but what could be better than a saucy Irish setter, when puppy love comes on strong? Or a collie that's classy; a laddie needs a lassie. A lover and wife gives you a new leash on life."

Kermit: "Still, it's fun when they're fetching, and agree to see an etching that you keep at your lily pad."

Rowlf: "Some get an itchin' for a critter they've been scratchin'."

Rowlf (referring to a melancholy Kermit): "It's not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad."

Kermit: "Y'know, I may be mistaken, but the bellhops look like rats."
Rowlf: "You should see the chambermaids."

Kermit (navigating as Fozzie drives) "Hey Fozzie, I want you to turn left when you get to a fork in the road."
Fozzie: "Yes sir. Turn left at the fork in the road."
(A giant fork, its prongs sticking into the ashphelt, is revealed at a fork in the road)
Fozzie: "Turn left ..."
Kermit (to himself): "I don't believe that."

Kermit (navigating): "Bear left."
Fozzie (driving): "Right frog!"

That'll probably do it. I hope I've made my point. If I've missed any puns that hold a special place in your hearts, gentle readers, please do add them to the mix.

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Muppet Question # 18 Answered

2007-01-19T15:02:00.000+11:00

On Wednesday, 17th January, 2007 at 3:06:39 PM, Crystal said ...

Muppet Question to Stump The Judges:

which Muppet Show guest star
(of one of the best Muppet Shows)
was charged in 2006 with internetchild pron offences?

Too easy. (For someone like me.) That was hilarious British comedian Chris Langham. As a result of the charges, he was fired from the hit BBC sitcom The Thick Of It (of which he was the star - and which I've been hoping to see come out to Australia for some time now), and the second series will focus on new characters instead of his. If you're interested in reading about his criminal charges, you can find them here. Personally, I'd prefer to talk about his involvement with The Muppet Show:

Chris with some of The Muppets
"in happier times" (ie. during his
guest stint on the show in 1980).

Chris Langham is quite hilarious, which makes the recent allegations all the more tragic (although child pornography is tragic enough in anyone's language, don’t get me wrong). He was renown for being the sole British writer for The Muppet Show; he was hired by Jim Henson on the recommendation of another British Muppet Show guest star, John Cleese. Apparently Henson was trying to bring to the show an element of the wacky, off-the-wall sense of humour the English are so well known for, so Langham was the perfect choice.

Langham also appeared as the special guest star in the thirteenth episode of the final season (1980). The story goes that the actual scheduled guest star, Richard Pryor, was unable to make it to the recording at the last minute, so a script was written in a hurry, wherein "Chris the Delivery Boy" stood in for an unnamed absent celebrity.

As a writer on The Muppet Show, Langham received two awards from the American Writers' Guild.

Other works for which Langham is known include being a writer/performer on the first season of the infamous British sketch show Not The Nine O'Clock News (although his appearances were pointedly cut from later video and DVD releases in favour of Griff Rhys Jones, who had replaced him from the second season on), and sketch series Alas Smith and Jones. It was in the latter that I first noticed his work, and found his minor role (as the dim-witted ‘host’ of the fictitious chat show parody that all but closed each episode) stand-out hilarious.

Langham's inclusion on The Muppet Show writing staff resulted in some inspired bits of silliness, typified by Lewis Kazagger's description of the bagpipe as "one of the deadliest creatures known to man." Another concept frequently attributed to Langham was the entire Muppet Theatre shoving off to sea in one episode.

Actor/writer/comedian Langham
has been embroiled in a rather
nasty affair recently. Trial pending.

But to go back to his guest star stint, this episode saw him perform several pieces of his own devising, including a card trick in which the cards were replaced by raw sausages ("Now I will ask you to memorise that sausage"), as well as singing a Hawaiian war chant while trapped inside his dressing room wardrobe.

He also performed the self-devised Time Machine sketch, a frantic short monologue which he performed in a white lab coat with remarkably Muppet-like enthusiasm:

[Langham leaps onstage.] "Hello! This is what I'm working on at the moment. It's a time travel apparatus! [Evil laughter] Excuse me. If all my calculations are correct, all I have to do is pull this little lever here, and I go travelling backwards through time! [Pulls lever] Time through backwards travelling go I, and here lever little this pull, is do to, have I all, correct are calculations my all if. Me excuse. [Evil laughter] Apparatus travel time a it's! Moment the at on working I'm, what is this, hello!" [Leaps offstage.]

It must be noted that – brilliant and severely underrated comic figure of our time or not - nothing, even celebrity eccentricity, excuses the kind of behaviour for which he has been accused. If the allegations turn out to be true, I hope the full force of the law is dealt out to him. However, if they are false, I hope that justice will prevail, his name will be cleared, and his reputation and career can find their way back on track. They’re terrible allegations to be burdened with if, in fact, they aren’t true, and it will take someone with a far better understanding of the facts than I have, to cast a fair judgement on the matter.

Perhaps you’d like to be the one to cast judgement, Crystal?

.

Muppet Question # 17 Answered

2007-01-17T21:37:00.000+11:00

On Wednesday, 17th January, 2007 at 12:35:38 AM, Aussie Rock Chick said ...

Were there really only five seasons??? I thought it ran for like 20 years!! Clearly I have a lot to learn about the world of Muppets...

Yes there were, no it didn't, and yes you do. The good news is: If you keep reading my blog, you will learn all you'll ever need to know about The Muppets (and plenty more you'll never need to know).

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Muppet Questions # 15 & # 16 Answered

2007-01-16T11:19:00.000+11:00

On Friday, 17th November, 2006 at 8:52:02 AM, Riss said ...

Muppet Questions: Which of the three proposed covers for Season 2 of The Muppet Show would you most like to see released? AND If they release Season 2 with three different covers, will you want one of each? :)

As the person who bought me Season One for my birthday, methinks you have ulterior motives for asking this question! Still, I'm not one to stand in the way of a present, so here goes:

The three proposed covers for Season Two of The Muppet Show are pictured below. Personally, I prefer the one on the right, but any of them would look great. The one on the left is a little unflattering for poor ol' Miss Piggy (IMHO), but considering the Season One cover art (for the special release, at least) depicted an extreme close-up of Kermit's chest and collar, perhaps they could continue the trend by featuring an extreme close-up of Fozzie's eyes, ears and hat for Season Three (or perhaps his chest, with his hands holding his polka-dot tie), Gonzo's nose, mouth and eyes for Season Four, and one of Rowlf's ears, along with his mouth and one of his hands for Season Five. More likely, though, would be Season Five featuring Animal's open mouth and sharp teeth (with his metal collar visible beneath his chin), rather than them do the right thing and properly credit Rowlf on the cover of the years where he really was placed in the show's five major characters.

The three possible covers for Season Two.

The Season Two release date has been cancelled and re-scheduled so often that fans have given up bothering to keep track. I don't even know if Disney's going to lock in a new date or not anymore. I was able to find the following article online, dated last October, which seems to indicate that we're only a couple of months away from owning it (although we've heard that before).

The Muppet Show Season 2 slated for early 2007 release

Numerous issues have delayed the DVD box set, but release is expected during the first quarter of 2007

By Greg James
October 29, 2006

Fifteen months ago "The Muppet Show Season 1" was released on DVD, and ever since fans have been asking when they would be able to get their hands on season 2.

Pinning down the release hasn't been simple for Disney. Originally it was slated for February, then bumped to a tentative slot in late Summer and then inexplicably delayed again. Legal clearances, material creation/restoration, marketing schemes, leadership changes, production priority schedules -- the reasons are complex and numerous.

Muppets.com polled fans on which Season 2 cover they'd like to see. The official cover has not yet been announced.

Brain Henson said earlier this year when IGN asked about the Muppet Show Season 2, that "Disney is so formulaic and careful and secretive about their DVD release plans" that even he didn't know when the set would be out.

Back in July Muppets.com launched a poll to allow fans to vote on the cover art for the upcoming second season release. Just a few weeks ago the poll was taken down, and the fans' speculation started up again. What does it mean? Is it coming? Was it canceled? What's going on?

Well, we just got word from a reliable source within Buena-Vista Home Entertainment that there is no need to panic. The set is indeed coming. It's taken a while but it will be worth the wait. We were told they are "expecting release in the first quarter of 2007" (after the holidays' DVD production pushes). They'd like to tell more about it, but everything is "top secret" right now. An official announcement with all the details is around the corner.

The set will be out in 2007 and season 3 is also expected for the future (although there are no details on timing).

As for the question of whether I'd want to buy all three copies if they released the DVD using all of the covers, even I'm not that fanatical! One would be enough. I'd either go with the extreme close-up of Piggy's face (especially if they continued the theme of close-ups with Seasons Three to Five), or with my alternative favourite (the one where she's wearing the black cocktail dress against the blue background).

So which one's your favourite, gentle readers?

Green?

Blue?

Or 'Nose'?

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Happy Christmas Leftovers, Everyone!

2007-01-08T08:04:00.000+11:00

Christmas is long gone, but the lovin' and the givin' is still goin' strong here at I Blogged Myself - with or without the Gs on the ends of words.

Truth be known, I got an embarrassing amount of presents this year, and many of them don't suit me at all (ie. they're junk), so I thought I'd pass them on to you, my faithful (and in some cases, not-so-faithful) readers.

Please don't be put off by the word 'junk'. One man's junk, after all, is frequently put in a box and given to that special lady (if the Saturday Night Live sketch featuring guest host Justin Timberlake is to be believed)* ... but it's also commonly known to be another man's treasure.

* WARNING: The clip on the link provided above contains adult themes and strong language. But at the same time, it's very funny.

I haven't got a gift for absolutely everyone, but I've put something aside for most of those who seem to frequent these pages semi-regularly. If you've been missed, please don't be offended. It merely means I don't like you very much and/or forgot about you because I barely even think of you and/or I really, REALLY hate you (which is the most likely situation).

The presents appear in a completely random order, and some people have received more than one gift (so you'd better read through the whole thing very carefully, just in case). Occasionally I received a few extra copies of a particular gift, so multiple people might be listed for the same image. Do not be alarmed. This is a good way to meet people, particularly if I've determined that you'll have to share the gift.

Anyone interested in obtaining their gift from me can send their credit card details to my email address, and expect to be robbed blind. Shipping charges do apply, and I charge exorbitant rates. (You won't believe the additional taxes I can make up! Give it a go! It's fun for all! ... And my family has to eat.)

Happy belated Christmas, everyone.

Kris:

I'm not even sure what this pennant is from, but it was given to me by some sport-nut fan who was going on and on about spelling (well, they were talking about dotting an 'i', anyway), and seemed to be in a bit of a state of disarray. I don't know if you'll find a use for this, but feel free to take it off my hands. Thank you.

Colls Bolls:

Here’s a blue door for you, to help tide you over between the second and third seasons of Thank God You’re Here. It probably needs a lick of paint, sorry.

Javatari and Shane:

Here’s a blue door for you, too. You'll have to share.

TGYHWatcher and Lizzie/Buffy_Kitten:

Christmas blessings to you and everyone else over on the TGYH LiveJournal. Sorry about the graffiti.

Mars:

I’m pretty funny, huh? Actually, I figured that you were 'nuttier' than you were 'soft and gooey', so this probably suits you better anyway.

Aussie Rock Chick:

Although currently the newest blog on my blogroll (I only discovered your blog on Friday), you have really struck a chord with me, so I decided to drag my ol' cousin Rufus out of his box in the attic and get him to dust off his banjo. It strikes me that since you're a rock chick drummer, you'd get a lot of value out of having Rufus here join your band and really liven things up at your concerts. No, no; don't thank me - I'm just glad to get Rufus out of the house. (And he's single, too - wink-wink ...)

Meva:

Look carefully, and think laterally. Can you see what I've done, there? I'm clever.

Gigglewick:

Not much going on here in the way of 'hilarious', but at least you can't say I didn't think of you. One of my favourite Mr Men books of all time (it's equal 57th, along with all the others), this one holds a candle to rest and is sure to make you laugh. So that's a nod towards the 'giggle', and the candle thing is the reference to the 'wick'. (Ho-hum. At least I tried.)

Ang:

Because I'm a rainbow, too. (But that doesn’t mean I want one.)

Sublime-ation:

Clear, tranquil water-and-sky scene. It’s real; someone bought it for me but I already own an island in the area, so “it’s been done”. Would you like it? It’s quite sublime … (Clouds not included.)

Gianluca Di Milano:

Praise be to Cheeses! Here to you mates be a gift of epic contortions. You like the language, now learn to know the words! Exceptional lerning availabale to all who read it nightly. Just for you, my Italian Stallion freind, I throw in a widgidee grub for you to eat alive. You will loves it! Only the true Austrians eat the dirty grubs from the ground, and know you can eat one to. Is a funny behavor, no? Must be becase all the parents is on the welfare and no can afford to buy the foods from a shop for the too much glue sniffing. Oh well, more for you! Malfortunately they taste yuck bad and are mainly for the gays.

Lulu:

Find somewhere to put this, will ya? Thanks.

Cherry!:

Food rarely lasts very long at this time of year (particular with all the hot weather we've been having in Melbourne!), but these are the last few cherries I found at the bottom of the fridge, so you're free to take them. Bear in mind, however, that they weren't inside the fridge; they were just on the floor in front of it, sort of caught underneath the door a bit.

Audrey:

Quite clearly, these are bad apples. They were good when I got them, but like most things, the more time they spent in my presence, the more they turned bad. No wonder other kids' mothers told them I was a bad influence. They were right! I'm a Rebel Without A Cure.

Javatari:

Another gift for you. I don’t have any carrots anyway, so the little guy’s probably pretty hungry by now. The hat comes as part of the package, and the trick base (allowing the rabbit to hide at the bottom of the hat without being seen by the audience; it has a trick switch underneath the hat brim) is a secret I’ll take to the grave, never discussing it with anyone or posting details about it here on this blog for everyone to read.

Clokeeeey!:

I can't vouch for the state of this DVD. It was given to me as a joke present (I think we can all understand why), and was then used as a frisbee for most of Boxing Day. The dog kept running away with it for long periods of time. But I'm sure it won't diminish the quality of the feature. (PS – We don’t have a dog.)

Dxxxx:

I don’t need this blog template, but I think you might have a use for it. :) I often have trouble viewing your LiveJournal page, so this seems like the perfect re-gift for you.

Ms Fits:

What do you get the blogger who has everything? (And every reader she could possibly want?) How about a bookshelf to house all those books she reads for First Tuesday Book Club? Yes, I thought so too. Assembly required.

Enny:

You need to eat something, girl – you’re looking pasty and frail (I imagine). Hopefully you’ll find something in here that won’t offend your vegan status but still allow you to grow some hairs on your chest (or whatever the appropriate female equivalent to that would be; description unnecessary, thank you).

I’m Not Craig:

Now you can be.

Javatari:

Hopefully you’ll make good use of this sign, and perhaps it will help. (PS – ‘Period’, in this instance, is what Americans call a ‘full stop’. Just so you don’t get the wrong idea entirely …)

Mars:
Here you go; cut sick. Lessons to follow, but here’s a spare semi-colon to get you started. Why not practice on your friends?

MelbourneGirl:

I’m not trying to suggest that you need any help in the semi-colon arena, but I thought this costume would be a good one to spring on John at the last minute before heading off to all those ‘Punctuation Parties’ you guys are constantly attending.

Elaine:

Speaks for itself, really, doesn’t it. Enjoy.

Jobe:

In order to help you on your rocky road to Raw Comedy 2007*, I’ve decided to pass on this book of crappy little kiddie jokes. They’re not very good, but it sounds like they may be an improvement on your existing material. (Note: The previous sentence is not actually my view; I’m sure your comedy rocks and you’re just doubting yourself. Still, better to be safe than sorry, eh?) The 'Compact Disc' contained within is an old Rodney Rude CD, badly scratched.

* Mmm, now I want some rocky-road …

LittleFaerieGirl:

This is neither a picture, nor a poster of Dean Geyer. This is Dean Geyer. My Dad won him as third prize in an RSL competition (he was hoping to win the car). I’m not sure what kind of contractual agreement forced Dean into agreeing with the terms of the competition (I think it was a misprint and should have read, “Win a date with Dean Geyer”, but the words in bold were missing), and I’m sick of him hanging around the house. I can’t get my car out of the driveway in the morning to go to work, because there’s a constant stream of thirteen-year-old girls camped out on my lawn and in the street. The neighbours are starting to complain (they complain even more when Dean starts singing to himself), so I figured you’d be one person willing to take him off my hands. And promptly, please!

Magical_M:

I’m giving you this pair of mirrored female sunglasses (which someone perplexingly gave to me), because I thought it’d be a great way of helping you cover up this:

Magical_M’s Pink Eye.
(Definitely not one of the gifts on this list.)

John Surname:

I have absolutely no idea what this thing is, but it was given to me by my great-aunt (now not-so-great), and I loathe it. I thought maybe it could come in useful in a Romoin comic, however. Maybe provide some fodder for a short series of comics in which Romoin and Captain Wacky try to work out what this thing is and what it's supposed to do, before its use is startlingly-revealed (when you get sick of drawing it). Just a suggestion. (Hey, anything to kick-start Romoin’s dwindling career, ya hear me?)

MelbourneGirl:

Feel free to pass this one on to Princess if you like. Why my mother bought it for me, I don’t know.

Noshie:

Here are a few items to remind you of your recent trip abroad. They barely cost anything at all (in pounds sterling), meaning they cost an awful lot, actually (in Australian dollars). I hope you’re appreciative. (I hated them when my brother gave them to me, because they’re so gaudy and tacky … but, strangely, they made me think of you.)

Adie:

Here's a little something to remind you of England - I'm told it's almost as if you were there.

Pomgirl:

During your time on Big Blogger, it quickly became apparent that you could do with a dictionary on Aussie slang. When it turned out that you’ve actually already read one, it quickly became apparent that you need a good one. This is a crap one. But hopefully that means you’re one step closer to finding yourself a really good one.

Thomasr:

I can’t be sure, but I think this Wacky Helmet ™ is being modeled by Ron Barrassi. I’m pretty sure he isn’t in the box, but as it’s unopened, I can’t be sure. Do you want me to check for you? It’s a pretty small box. Maybe you could wear this Wacky Helmet ™ on your bike or at the Grand Prix. Phil Keoghan probably wouldn’t let you approach him if you did wear it, but you’ll be making me happy. Alternatively, wear it in the shops as a great excuse to cut in line! (No one says anything when a mentally-challenged person pushes in. Trust me on this.)

Tyson and Peter:

I’m not sure if you guys have a copy of this or not, but I don’t need three of them. So I’m letting you fine upstanding men have a copy each. It makes for good reading and includes photos of Scott & Charlene’s wedding. (Surprising, I know.) There’s also a list of all writing and editing staff members, and a photo of Senior Sergeant Allan Steiger pointing his fingers at a bad guy in the shape of an imaginary gun.*

* Not really, but wouldn’t it be funny if it did?!

Problematic:

I know you’ve left the bitter, twisted woman façade well alone now, but I thought it might be worthwhile for you to hold on to this regardless. Just in case you ever need it. Your first drug diary. Sort of.

gav:

Look what I found inside a neatly-wrapped gift this Christmas! A captial G! Since you always seem to be lacking in capital Gs when your name appears anywhere, I intuitively realised you must be capital-poor. Not one to wish to embarrass you, I knew this gift would come in handy. Please use it with my compliments.

Richard Watts:

I’m sorry the photo’s so crap, but it’s the only photo of the only gay in the village. (PS – You just let me know when the – admittedly harmlessly-intended – gay jokes have run their course. A private email threatening to hurt me if I don’t cut it out will suffice.)

Steph:

When I received this gigantic bottle of champagne (and bearing in mind that I’m a teetotaler), my first thought was, “Steph’d be able to knock this back in thirty seconds!” So I wanted to make sure this little gem found its way to you. Remember, if you buy a crate of these you get 300 bonus FlyBuys points.

Riss:

I figured if anyone could make use of this hair curling iron, it’d be you. :P

Logan:

I got two of these for Christmas, and clearly I only need one. Let me know if you need any hair gel.

SBR:

You’re into movies and cinema and reviewing films and stuff … so I knew that you’d have a greater need for this than I do. I actually got three of these this year (ho-hum), so you can have two of them.

SBR:

This is the second one. It still has the full reel from Shrek The Third in it. You can keep that as well, if you like.

Her Radicalness:

I don't know where this magazine came from, but I found it lying around somewhere. You're welcome to it.

Krankiboy:

I trust you'll know what to do with this when you receive your mail from me later this week or early next (oooh, what a cryptic mystery!).

Gun Street Girl:

Here's some exciting fiction (or biography?) for you to sink your teeth into over the summer. Should be good reading (if a little bizarre towards the end). A bit like your blog. (Hey! I say it in love!) :)

Adam:

Speaks for itself, really, but seeing as you've officiated at both Bloggolympics so far (the Rock, Paper, Scissors event is the big crowd-pleaser), and never once been able to take part, I thought I'd hand these over to you. Feel free to play with yourself.

(Yes, I know perfectly well what I just said. His girlfriend's in a different state, dude.)

And last but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST ...

Fluffy:

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas. And I thought you might be, too.

One final present: And this one’s for everyone who so greatly enjoyed the final episode of Thank God You’re Here’s second season late last year: Merry Christmas.

.

Muppet Question # 14 Answered

2007-01-05T08:19:00.000+11:00

On Sunday, January 08, 2006 8:45:30 AM, John B. said ...

A Muppet question for you Sir Bevis! What did they call the Swedish Chef in Sweden? I can assure you they did not find the idea of a bumbling, idiot chef of their nationality to be amusing for some reason, so the character was renamed there.

You know what? It turns out that Tom Gleeson is full of hot air. Yes; who woulda thunk it?!

You and I both know, John B, that when you wrote the above question you were referring to a piece of stand-up we'd both seen on TV not long beforehand, of comedian Gleeson discussing how 'The Swedish Chef' from The Muppets was referred to as The Polish Chef in Sweden. There followed an admittedly funny bit where he pretended to be Swedish tourists visiting Poland (and then in turn, Polish natives bemused by the visiting Swedes) ... each of them laughing at the other for the same reason (because, to one another, they sounded just like the character from The Muppets).

But even just a little online research will reveal that this doesn't appear to be the case at all. Indeed, I don't know where Gleeson purports to have received his information, but it doesn't seem to be anywhere on the entire Internet. However, I found several sites that informed me of the following:

1. In Sweden, The Swedish Chef is known as "Svenske Kocken" ("Swedish Chef" in Swedish).

2. In Germany, The Swedish Chef is Danish and his song is "Smørrebrød, Smørrebrød, røm, pøm, pøm, pøm".

So it would appear that the Swedes have a better sense of humour than we first suspected. Meanwhile, the Germans seem to take offense far too easily (big newsflash there!) - even when it's not actual Germans who are being insulted.

Strange.

.

Feeling Quite Resolute

2007-01-02T07:42:00.000+11:00

I surprised Wifey yesterday morning by telling her I'd made some New Year's Resolutions last night.*

I don't normally do the 'resolutions' thing. I think if there's something you need or want to change about yourself, just do it. Don't wait for some kind of unrealistic "fresh start" moment that means nothing more than another other moment, and then generally leads to you breaking the resolution within the first nine days (or so research tell us ... okay, I just made that up).

That being said, I've decided to use the wholly significant moment that is the start of the new year to re-assess my life and determine some of the things I want to change. Hypocritical? Pah!

In no particular order:

(1) Eat less sugar. I'm not sure just how I'm going to monitor this (and you'll notice the entirely immeasurable variable of the word 'less' I've used in the phrase ... call it my insurance), but it's my intention not to die of diabetes if I can help it. Fewer doughnuts; not as much chocolate; in fact, just cut back on the junk food in general. And I really love my junk food, so it'll feel like it's killing me ... but that's better than it actually killing me.

(2) Drink less cola. Whether it's Coke, Pepsi, Aldi, Brewster's, Australia's Choice or any other cola brand you care to mention (except Schweppes Cola, which is toilet water), I tend to drink cola like it's going out of style. You may recall me referring to it on this blog as "mother's milk to me" (a quote I've lifted from My Fair Lady and use in regular conversation; even asking my father-in-law at the Christmas dinner table to pass the Mother's Milk). I guess there are worse things I could be drinking to excess (alcohol, for one ... toilet water, for another ... even lighter fluid would rate a mention, there), but I'm almost embarrassed to tell you how much of the 'black gold' liquid I've been drinking lately. Suffice it to say that I'm going to cut back to two cans a day (yes, cut back to two cans a day! And that's just to help me get through the day at work as my caffiene injection). Let's leave the question of how-much-cola-I've-been-drinking-lately right there. I guess my intention would be to reduce the two cans a day maximum even further in time, but let's not get carried away too soon, people. And a bit of context before you all lay into me: I don't drink any alcohol, and I don't drink tea or coffee either (making a "coffee break" at work nothing more than grabbing a can of soft drink). The only exception to the "no more than two cans a day" restriction would be when we're having 'junk food' for our evening meal (pizza, fish & chips, hamburgers, etc). You know, the kind of food that lends itself to a glass of Coke on the side. I have opted instead to drink juice whenever I would ordinarily have drunk cola - but I'll be sure to watch the sugar intake on the pre-packaged juices we buy, or else I'll be blowing my first resolution!

(3) Get back to reading other peoples' blogs like I used to. Nothing much to add to that, except my apologies that my attendance on your blogs has been noticeably lacking recently. New child and all that, but I don't want to play that card all the time for everything. I've been busy, yes - but hopefully I'll be able to get back into the swing of things.

(4) Use more semi-colons. This one isn't actually for me; I use semi-colons properly and I'm quite satisfied with my performance in that area. It's just that I always notice other people using commas where there should really be a semi-colon, so no longer will I stand idly by and let this happen without comment. Prepare to get really pissed off with me.

(5) Stay current. Oh, that reminds me. The 'Merry Christmas' post I promised you before I went on holidays the other week should be up here any day now. And my review on the final episode of Thank God You're Here's second season (on my TV blog) isn't too far off, either. *heehee*

So there they are. The first two are probably going to have many of you disgusted with me, but hey - better late than never. And the best part (for me, anyway), is that I didn't need anyone to come down hard on me in any way and force or pressure me into making these decisions. I made them myself without anyone saying anything, and that's probably the only way I'll have any chance of sticking with them.

So, if it's not too personal (and it hasn't been done elsewhere on the blogosphere already), what New Year's Resolutions have you made for 2007?

* Then, by way of counterbalance, Wifey turned around and surprised me, by announcing that she is considering possibly starting up her own blog. Nothing concrete yet, but I'll keep you posted on developments. (I think she's just trying to find a way to wrestle me away from the computer a couple of hours a day.)

.

5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

2007-01-01T00:00:00.001+11:00

Mr Mom Mum

2006-12-29T23:06:00.000+11:00

Wifey's been quite sick these past 24 hours, so I've been playing Mother And Father In One. It's interesting to see what a single parent has to deal with - and me with only one child!

Because Wifey's got some kind of gastro bug, we don't want Sweetums (or me, for that matter) getting it, so I'm doing all feedings, nappy changes, play times, cuddles and what-not. It's very tiring through the night, but it's mostly enjoyable (if a little constant and interrupting) during the day.

Sweetums loves it when he's lying on his playmat (or changing table) and I make him laugh. All I have to do is smile at him, and he's off. (It must be something about my face.) He's been very patient with me while I boil the water for his feeds (and then while we wait for it to cool), and is captivated by both the TV (which I'm now calling "the light and sound box", but won't be changing the title of my TV blog to emulate this) and the Baby Sesame Street book, "Clang-Clang! Bang-Bang!"

Our copy of this book has a built-in rattle
(not pictured here) that equally amazes Sweetums.

So what have I discovered about being a single parent? Well, for one thing, it's very hard to find time to blog! But apart from that, your sleep is severely spasmodic (and I don't have to deal with being physically drained - in more ways than one - through the miracle of breastfeeding), your work is never done, and it doesn't take very long at all to jump from one 'need' to the next.

At least when Wifey and I are both up-and-about, we can share the load and look after Sweetums in 'shifts' of sorts. When you're on your own, there's no such luxury.

Let's here it for all the single parents out there, especially those with a house full of kids! Well done to you all. I'm glad I'm not you.

Wifey returns to active duty as of tomorrow morning. I'll be sleeping in.

.

Muppet Question # 13 Answered

2006-12-28T16:23:00.000+11:00

On Thursday, 27th April, 2006 at 3:58:05 AM, SBR emailed me and said ...

I thought I'd play the Muppet question game. So here it is: What are your views on the Disney corporation's purchase of the muppets?

I know it's been a long time since you asked this question, but I never intended to let it slide. I hope you'll agree that I've been doing my research.

When I first heard the news (so many years ago now) that after many, many failed attempts to buy The Muppets, the Walt Disney Corporation had finally been successful in bidding for the franchise, my blood ran cold for a second. I knew that the potential for Disney to simply 'bury' The Muppets once they had them in their possession was very real. But I also heard that Brian Henson (Jim's son and Chairman of the company) was assuring Muppet fans that the sale wasn't going to spell the end for The Muppets ... but, rather, a new beginning.

I got a lot of encouragement from reading this article:

TV.com: Do you collaborate with Disney very closely, or do they completely decide how to use the Muppets?

Brian Henson: We transferred control because they are a much bigger company; we mainly wanted to keep the characters alive in the theme park area. They are very slow and choosy, and right now they are kind of working on what they want to see the Muppets do. Right now nothing is in production.

TV.com: Do you still do the actual puppetry if there is a production?

Brian Henson: There is actually no "us and them." We trained all of the puppeteers, and some work here and some work there. So there really is no us and them. ... I have tried to bring the Jim Henson Company back to creating new and original characters and allow Sesame Workshop to be the franchise supporters for the Sesame characters and Disney for the Muppets, so Henson can get back to creating new and cool stuff.

So there you go. If Brian's not too concerned, I'm happy enough to trust that he knows what he's doing.

Not to sound patronising (because it's a good question), but I guess I don't want to be one of those people who rabbits on and on about their favourite show long after it's wrapped up permanently, whinging and complaining like some sort of geeky loser.

*looks around self-consciously*

*coughs*

But the thing is, Disney has already made new things possible, even if it's just releasing two Muppet TV movies that went straight to DVD in Australia (Kermit's Swamp Years and Muppets Wizard Of Oz). But at least they were produced! New Muppet merchandise has been scheduled (although details are sketchy at best), certain characters have made appearances on various American TV shows (such as Saturday Night Live, Good Morning America, and the US version of Renovation Rescue; Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - in addition to landing lucrative and high-profile sponsorship deals such as a series of TV ads for Pizza Hut during the Superbowl) to re-introduce them to the public eye (Miss Piggy even conducted a live-via-satellite interview on Rove Live in Australia), a regular comical film-reviewing video file began airing online featuring critics Statler and Waldorf discussing the week's cinematic releases (in their own special style), and a new six-part Muppet series parodying America's Next Top Model (entitled America's Next Muppet) has now been in pre-production for over a year - but has yet to surface. While this might sound like it amounts to a hill of beans in practical terms, at least things are being discussed, floated, and - sometimes - eventually made.

I'm not at all 'anti-Disney' (I know it's not cool to like Disney these days, but I do), although I'm aware of the dangers inherit in such a gigantic corporation buying out these relatively small characters so they can possibly 'warehouse' them and continue to plug their own stock characters, having effectively eliminated some of their competition. But I know that the Henson family was adamant that certain requirements were drawn into the contract to ensure that The Muppets didn't simply dissolve into 'retirement'.

And anyway, once Disney paid for The Muppets (and they paid a goodly price!), they then had a vested interest in revitalising the characters' careers and making them stars again ... for Disney's own benefit!

The fact that there's been a Muppets 3D show in Disney theme parks for years now hasn't hurt, either.

It all looks good to me, and The Muppets have been given a new lease on life by Disney's attempts (whether or not each attempt has been successful) at bringing them back.

I say it was a great day for diehard fans like me when Disney bought The Muppets. It meant that new stuff was produced and they got out there in the media again. Let's not forget that Kermit turned 50 last year, and a big fuss was made of this event (particularly in America). The frog even travelled the globe, making 50 stops around the world (sadly none were in Australia), and the US Postal Service released a set of commemorative stamps to mark the contribution Jim Henson and The Muppets have made to popular culture.

I'd say that it's been a good thing, and until I see evidence that Disney is deliberately (or carelessly) 'shelving' the characters for some reason, I'll continue to expect that even more good stuff is to come.

.

AWOL 4 A Week

2006-12-15T08:05:00.000+11:00

Hi-ho. Wifey, Sweetums and I are off to Queensland for a week from tomorrow morning. We'll be holidaying with my family from Sydney, who haven't seen Sweetums since he was a few days old (he turned 10 weeks old yesterday).

I won't be around to approve comments left next week, but I'll be back again with a special Christmas message on or before the 25th.

In the meantime, have a great week. Take care of yourself. Look after each other. Who let the dogs out. Etc.

.

www-d'oh!-com

2006-12-13T12:50:00.000+11:00

Below you'll find the contents of an email you may very well have seen before, but it makes me laugh out loud each time I receive it. Working in 'the industry' of website maintenance, I find it drop-dead hilarious that people could choose these domain names and not think of the possible (and often obvious) ways they'd be misread.

I guess some of them may have realised perfectly well what would happen, but actually looked forward to the amusement it would bring them, ... but most of the below are accidental - you can just tell.

And yes, they're all real. Click on them and have a look if you don't believe me. This is a family-friendly blog, so I wouldn't link to smut here.

---------------------------

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. You can find the name of the agent who represents any celebrity by conducting a search on the 'Who Represents?' website.

2. This site is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: Experts Exchange.

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island.

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder.

5. There's the Italian Power Generator Company (perhaps where Gianluca gets his power?).

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales.

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always this company.

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church website is a worry.

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky website.

.

Crazy Brothers

2006-12-11T08:29:00.000+11:00

This video is very amusing. With thanks to Her Radicalness.

The tall kid looks like a young Bill Gates.

(UPDATE: I've removed the embedded video because it was bumping my sidebar off the bottom of the screen on some computers. You can still view the video by clicking on the above link.)

.

Muppet Question # 12 Answered

2006-12-05T08:26:00.000+11:00

On Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 3:13:14 PM, Sublime-ation said ...

Elvira? Why can't we have a Muppets tag? I remembered on the weekend how my fave album as a kid was Sesame Disco, and I think it had the Muppets on it to...or was that another album?

A Muppets tag ... hmm, I like it! ... (But will anyone else?!)

As for Sesame Disco, I do indeed remember this album. It was actually a follow-up album to the original Seasame Street Fever LP release (which featured Robin Gibb from The Bee Gees - whereas Disco did not).

Although the cover shown above was misleading in regards to which characters actually appeared on the album, the only Muppet personality to make an appearance was Kermit the Frog (who, as he also appeared as a regular bit-part character on Sesame Street, could not technically be said to be moonlighting as a star of The Muppet Show). In fact, from all eight songs listed on the album, the only character soloists to feature at all were Kermit, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird. This means that only Jim Henson (Kermit), Frank Oz (Cookie Monster) and Caroll Spinney (Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird) were required to voice those characters in song. I'm sure the vocal talent available or willing to sing on the album went a fair way towards determining which characters made an appearance.

So despite appearing on the cover artwork, Bert, Ernie, Herry Monster, Prairie Dawn, Count von Count and Grover did not sing any songs on the LP.

Therefore, to answer your question accurately, I'm not sure if you're simply recalling the presence of Kermit on the album and presuming that he was there as one or more of The Muppets. Cookie Monster, it must be said, sounds very similar to Fozzie Bear (although Cookie speaks in broken English). So I wonder if your memory is (or perhaps if your childhood 'ear' was) deceiving you.

Alternatively, you could be thinking of another album. If so, I really can't help you, there. However, please feel free to browse through this list of albums that Sesame Street has released over the years, to see if you can find the one you're thinking of. All the best.

x

.

Attention: Adam

2006-12-04T08:36:00.000+11:00

In the wake of the second-ever Bloggolympics hosted on Adam's blog (whereupon I lost my title to Cherry!), I have a challenge for Adam.

Dude, you want to be really awesome?

Why not follow the Bloggolympics with the Parabloggolympics? The bloggers participating wouldn't be "special", but the options sure would be! It wouldn't just be rock, paper or scissors anymore! Check it out:

I call it EXTREME Rock, Paper, Scissors

It's just like extreme sports, but in Rock, Paper, Scissors. So whaddaya think? I reckon it's got great potential of the following:

- enlarging your participating audience
- enlarging your readership
- harvesting goodwill between the nations
- sparking controversy
- doing our heads in, trying to come up with the best 'play'
- driving you absolutely nuts
- upping the ante
- escalating the economy
- solving world hunger
- baking me a cake
- going too far

I look forward to hearing what you have to say on the topic, Adam.

Come on, Aussie!

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Not My Job

2006-12-01T12:26:00.000+11:00

My boss just sent me an email saying, "I hope this is not the kind of work we can expect from you in the future."

Flashes of my former workplace came back to me, as my heart skipped a beat and I wondered what I'd done to fall out of favour with her so soon ...

... and then I saw the attachment:

I love this place!

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Has Yellow Turned Mello?

2006-11-30T08:17:00.000+11:00

Greg’s sick. We’ve probably all heard that by now. In Australia this morning, there was more news coverage on the tragedy of the Yellow Wiggle who was (at that point) expected to announce his retirement for health reasons, than there was on the tragedy of the Blackhawk helicopter crash near Fiji that has now been confirmed as killing two Australian serviceman (or women, as identitied are yet to be released) and injured seven others.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s certainly scary and disturbing and no doubt very worrying for all concerned that doctors can’t diagnose Page’s “mystery illness”. Perhaps he’s just had too many hot potatoes and too much fruit salad. I mean, what kind of diet is that?!

So what does all this mean? Well, it’s finally happened. The marketing juggernaut that is The Wiggles has come crashing down.

Hmm, okay, that might seem a bit extreme, but they’ve encountered their first ‘Pete Best’ incident, and unlike The Beatles, you’ve got to wonder if The Wiggles’ identity will recover as well, considering Greg Page (the Yellow Wiggle) is seen by many as being the front-man / ‘first’ or ‘main’ Wiggle.

Let’s face it, the Blue Wiggle is the goofy one, the Red Wiggle is the googly-eyed one, and the Asian Wiggle is the fourth one. It’s the Yellow Wiggle who runs the show. He’s the one they look to in times of crisis to lead them to victory. And he’s the one that we, as an audience, look to in times of concerts and DVDs and TV shows and lunchboxes and all other Wiggles merchandise as the Boss Wiggle.

So what if their internal history doesn’t actually support this notion? (Greg was the third Wiggle to officially join the group.) The point is he’s seen by many to be the Top Wiggle.

Seein’ Red? Feelin’ Blue? Narcoleptic Asian?
Yellow Streak? Barney Rip-Off?

Maybe you have a different opinion of The Wiggles’ “pecking order”. If so, please let me know who you see as Wiggles Number 1, 2, 3 and 4. I say it goes like this: Yellow, Red, Blue and Asian. What do you say?

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From Strength To Strength

2006-11-28T15:44:00.001+11:00

Things are going well in the BEVIS household at the moment. We have an adorable new son who lights up our life, we have a new car that we got for a great price, Christmas is around the corner (and that’s good news for everybody!), and today ... on the ten week anniversary of me getting this job ... I was promoted to Team Leader.

It may not sound very special at first, but consider the following:

(a) It’s more money (Boo-yah!)

(b) It’s more responsibility (which I love)

(c) The people who trained me and showed me the ropes in my first few weeks here will report to me from Monday

(d) In the six years I spent at my former workplace, I was never once considered for any kind of promotion (which says more about the people in the management roles back there than it does about me)

(e) It’s a long-overdue validation for me that I’m able to do good stuff

(f) It’s more money (I know I said that, but after seven months of unemployment, we’re really feeling the sting at the moment and it’s going to be our 'leanest' Christmas ever)

(g) I get to choose which direction I want the department to go in (I’m thinking ‘blogging’)

(h) The people here are ace

(i) The business is fantastic

(j) The job is gnarly

(k) I can’t believe I’m up to "(k)" already!

(l) I get a work mobile phone (my first such work phone)

(m) I don’t have to work longer hours or do anything else I’d consider 'worse' than my current role

(n) I can write this post during work hours without fear of being busted because I’M THE NEW BOSS, DAMMIT

(o) <-- That looks like a nipple

(p) I’m only one level underneath the four main managers of the place, now (with a view on the top job – they’d all better watch their backs!)

(q) Although I still have a female manager myself, for once in my working life I’ve got female ‘underlings’ (which might sound like a bad word to use, but I definitely prefer it to ‘inferiors’), instead of always being the one guy in a team of females ... I now RUN the team of females! It’s a small difference, but one I’m grabbing with both hands

(r) The outgoing Team Leader is a wonderful woman, but my manager has asked me to be more of a take-charge person than she was, meaning she’s basically asked me to run the team however I wish, but making myself all self-important is fine with her!

(s) It’s more money (this really is a good thing)

(t) Wifey’s allowed to bring Sweetums into the office anytime I want (this was actually the case anyway, but now I don’t have to ask anyone’s permission!) ... (sorta)

(u) I’ll get the Team Leader’s work credit card so I can take the team out to lunch whenever I feel like it

(v) I can also decide (within reason) if I want to leave early to see Sweetums

(w) I get to bring bags of lollies in to the office so my underlings will think I’m the best boss EVER

(x) Wifey thinks I look sexy in a suit

(y) Two words: PARTY FRIDAY!

(z) ... And that’s a whole alphabet full of reasons!

Although Wifey and I won’t be in a financial position to go out and celebrate for about a month or two, I wanted to let you guys know (you’re like family, after all*), because I’m very excited and proud of myself.

Like I said, it’d be very small potatoes to many people, but to me this is evidence that the BEVIS household is going from strength to strength.

* That reminds me ... I must remember to tell my family the news ...

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